0. THIS DOCUMENT PURPORTS TO BE A CONTRACT. PLEASE READ IT CAREFULLY, AT LEAST AS CAREFULLY AS YOU WOULD READ ANY OTHER CONTRACT (IF NOT MORESO). IF YOU DISAGREE WITH THIS DOCUMENT OR ANY PORTION THEROF, DISCONTINUE USING THIS SITE IMMEDIATELY AND COMPLY WITH ALL CONDITIONS NOTED IN SECTION 1.d OF THIS DOCUMENT
1. Introduction
a. Welcome to Educated Guesswork. Your use of this Web site, its contents, features, and any oddments that may derive from this site or its subsidiaries is governed by these Terms of Service (“TOS”). By reading this site, looking at any pages, or merely having an educatedguesswork.com URL within your bookmarks, browser history, or any other storage device, you consent to abide by these Terms of Service in every detail. You further consent to forego any rights you may have had before arriving at educatedguesswork.com with respect to this site. In addition, you agree to abide by any changes to these Terms of Service that may be promulgated in the future, even where such changes directly contradict earlier agreements, even where those changes contravene explicit promises or warranties made previously.
b. I reserve the right to change these Terms of Service at any time, without prior notification to you, without — in fact — any notification whatsoever. I may modify this TOS by posting changes on these same (or other) pages, or I may just have written them down but not gotten around to updating these pages, or I may have just thought about writing it down but couldn’t be bothered to write it down. Nonetheless, all changes apply to you and your assigns. Seriously.
c. This agreement supersedes any previous agreements between you and me, unless we are married, or I am related to you, or we work together in another context, or we worked something out on the side. On my sole discretion, I will be the sole arbiter as to whether another ancillary or superseding agreement exists; in other words, I’ll be the judge of that.
d. If you do not agree to each and every one of these Terms and Conditions you must immediately cease reading and close any software used to access, read, peruse, look at, or otherwise be made aware of this content. You also agree — even in your disagreement — to completely efface, erase, delete, destroy, and get rid of any trace of this content, including (but not limited to) actions such as deleting all bookmarks, history files, as well as files in Temporary folders used while browsing, perusing, reading, etc. If you have copied any material on this site — Well! First off you are in violation of Section 6.c of this TOS, and owe me financial remuneration. You must immediately destroy all copies of this material and send me $$$, to boot.
2. Definitions
a. These are the Terms of Service, otherwise known as the Conditions or the Terms and Conditions, also called the Regulations, or else Restrictions, which govern, rule, dictate, prescribe, define, denote, qualify, and outline the relations between you, the User (or Reader), and me, the Owner (or Author, or Creator, or Educated Guesswork, or Steve).
b. Note that in the following definitions, though some words may be capitalized (either in title case, all upper case, or variants thereof) for emphasis, such capitalization need not be present at other locations within these Terms of Service (“TOS”). Thus, for purposes of the agreement between you and me, the use of the phrase “terms of service” will be identical to the use of “Terms of Service” (or “tErMs Of sErViCe”, etc.). The only exception to this eschewing of significance of capitalization or capital letters will be for the words “polish” and “Polish”, which I shall not use.
c. As well, any misspellings or errors will not cause any lessening of the severely legal bondage entailed by these Terms of Service. In all such cases, the “original intent” of the Author will determine meaning. In fact, you may assume that any putative misspellings are, in fact, a clever rhetorical device on the part of the author, and shall tread carefully. Caveat lector.
d. The actual definitions:
1) “you” — You are assumed to be an actual, living, breathing human being with a single heart which is beating unaided by mechanical devices (with the sole exception of pacemakers). Any rights of access granted under this TOS only apply to actual, individual human beings; no rights — express or implied — are granted to “persons” under the liberal Supreme Court’s interpretation of that word within the 14th Amendment of the Constitution of the United States, except where such persons actually live and breathe and have to go to the bathroom occasionally.
2) “I” — I refuse to be categorized, defined, constrained, boxed in, labelled, restricted, characterized, prescribed, or spelled out. I do not explain myself.
3) “Educated Guesswork” — Educated Guesswork is a nom de clavier used by me for (supposedly) creative writings within this site, and may be used instead of “I” or “me” (or other variants) within these Terms of Service. Though this may sound corporate, the author eschews all such manifestations of the inhuman, and hastens to assure the reader that an actual, living, breathing, farting human being typed these words, after first writing them out in longhand.
4) “Web site” — (or “web site” or “website” or “site“) The term “Web site” within these Terms of Service will always refer to this site, educatedguesswork.com, unless another Web site is referred to, in which case the term “Web site” will be qualified by the words “another” or “other” or variants, or will be explicitly identified by the other Web site’s domain name, with or without the “www.” prefix.
5) “public” — Certain sections of this Web site are “public”, meaning they are available to every Tom, Dick, or Harry (or Peggy, Christina, or Harriet) (or your given name here) who manages to somehow connect his or her computer, or phone, or whatever to the content contained herein. Such content is “public” in the same sense that my phone is public; I cannot stop you from coming to this site no more than I can prevent you from dialing my phone number and causing that ringtone that I now regret installing from sounding in the suddenly quiet room where previously I had just been about to strike a deal for my treatment to become a major motion picture, only to find myself looking for the nearest exit as the hastily truncated strains of the “My Little Pony” theme linger accusingly in the air. I may refuse to answer, may send your call direct to voicemail, may pretend you have reached a wrong number, or may pick up and hang up immediately after. I might even just cancel that phone number altogether. That is precisely how “public” the “public” areas of this site are.
6) “storage device” — Storage Device denotes any mechanism, system, product, or means for retaining information. These may include, but are not limited to, flash drives, solid state drives, hard drives, Zip/Jaz/floppy drives — drives of all sorts, except for long meandering drives in the country, unless said drives are used to store certain facts, impressions, memories, or thoughts — flash memory, memory cards, magnetic tape, punch cards, print, pen (or pencil) (or any other) markings on paper or other surfaces, incunabula, palimpsests, markings on stone, papyrus, clay tablets, wood, or any other markable surface, quipu, photographs (both electronic and physical), abaci, audio recordings, video recordings, anything that may be seen with the eyes, heard with the ears, braille, poetry, DNA (and RNA), ledgers, drawings, paintings, sculpture, mixed media, steganography, ciphers, codes, brain cells (except where such brain cells are directly located within the user’s solitary brain, unshared with other human beings through any mechanism or methodology now known or to be known in the future or rediscovered from the past, and not brain cells in some futuristic science fiction “wetware” supercomputer or storage media associated with such a futuristic supercomputer), as well as any system, technology, or method which may be invented in the future or may have already been invented, including anything not already mentioned, such as boxes, tubs, cookie jars, bank vaults, safety deposit boxes, luggage and luggage lockers, trunks, duffel bags, purses, backpacks, and spy pens or cameras, where such are used to retain information.
3. Requirements
a. Besides whatever technical means you use to access this site — and frankly I don’t care what those might be — it is required that you have a brain and a heartbeat.
4. Access
a. This material is provided to the user on a revocable, non-exclusive, non-transferable basis. It may not even be here next time you come back, or your account may have been deleted. Things happen. The user agrees and understands that “Things happen”.
b. There are varying degrees of access permitted by me (“me”) to you (“you”) to the material contained within this site (“here”). These various levels (“levels”) of access are defined here.
0) Level 0 — This is basic access to this site, also called “public” access (see Section 2.d.5). It is granted to those users who meet the criteria outlined in the definition of “you”, and who agree as well to submit to all other restrictions and conditions contained within these Terms of Service.
1) Level 1 — You must register as a subscriber of this site to gain Level 1 access, then request Level 1 access, and I may (or may not) grant you such access. I’m still thinking about it.
2) Level 2 — You must have Level 1 access to read the requirements and restrictions of Level 2 access.
3) Level 3 — See Level 2, and add one (1) to each number found therein.
4) Level 4 — See immediately above. Recurse.
5) Level 5 — There is no Level 5
5. Privacy
a. Hmm… Really? Really? You actually expect privacy in this day and age?
b. Oh, all right. My privacy policy is that I expect you to keep details of me private. You are not to mention me, tell anecdotes based on me or material you read here, quote me, or even draw a mental picture of me.
c. I, on the other hand, make no such guarantee whatsoever. I may (or may not) talk about you behind your back, look at and comment on and share any information you choose to share with me, either in an intimate setting such as a quiet dinner with friends or in a larger social context such as blabbing to all and sundry on Facebook or CNN. I mean, I didn’t ask you to come to my site. Unless I did, in which case, well, what can I say. I guess I’m just kind of messed up like that.
6. Usage
a. Your usage of this site and the content therein is governed by the laws of God, man, your own conscience or moral compass, and my idiosyncratic rules, in that order. Meaning that although I may say “you shall not” copy one of these brilliant works and attempt to pass it off as your own, it devolves upon your sense of self as to whether you shall in fact do so; my strictures cannot prevent you from your own reprehensible acts. Nor can the laws of man, though these may be — and shall be! “Trespassers will be shot!” — used after the fact to inflict the unbearable pains that lie within the weighty majesty of the Law to impose upon evildoers and non-so-good-doers, the malicious and the inattentive, criminals and tort feasors. God’s law, of course, holds sway over all of these, meaning that no matter how earnestly you desire and attempt to read tomorrow’s post, you shall not be able to do so until tomorrow has become today (or yesterday) and the post in question is, in fact, written and posted. (For the atheists and agnostics among you, you may substitute “laws of nature” or “nature of reality” for the words “God’s law” which seem to offend you so greatly; it makes no difference to me (though I confess a certain pleasure in vexing you so).)
b. That said, I nonetheless impose the following diktat upon you, to which you agree wholeheartedly and understand completely, as outlined in other sections and provisos of these Terms of Service (else you will decline such agreement and will immediately leave this site never to darken its electronic hallways again with your presence, further agreeing to follow all the strictures laid out in Section 1.d):
c. You agree and understand that you may read, peruse, look at, etc. the contents of this site but shall not copy, appropriate, plagiarize, steal, incorporate, take credit for, replicate, reverse engineer, attenuate, alembicate, take, repurpose, or otherwise do any damn thing except look at this stuff and leave it as you found it. In the words of our National Parks, “Take only pictures. Leave only footprints … and the anguished cries of their women and children.” Except in this case the only pictures will be mental images stored within your own living human brain, and in no other storage device (see Section 2.d.6). Anguished screams are, however, entirely optional.
d. If at any time in the future subsequent to your current acceptance of these Terms of Service (“TOS”) you decide to no longer accept these Terms of Service (“TOS”), whether because the Terms themselves have changed or because you simply changed your mind, you agree that from that moment forward you will cease all use, peruse, and abuse of this site and its contents, and further agree and understand that you will immediately follow all the strictures outlined in Section 1.d
7. Intellectual Property
a. All works contained within this Web site are copyrighted works of original creation by me. Any writing which seems lifted (or “copied” or “plagiarized” or “stolen”) is either used under conditions of Fair Use or actually happened to me (in the case of putatively “stolen” works of fiction) or is an original work of genius created by me in complete ignorance of other, seemingly similar works (of either fact, nonfiction, or fiction).
b. Any writing or other documentary evidence (such as, but not limited to, pictures, videos, or sound recordings) that purports to relate, reveal, narrate, disclose, confess, or mention acts which may subject the author to criminal or civil penalties are, in fact, sheer works of fiction, with no relation to actual facts or deeds. Any seeming crimes, torts, reprehensible or illicit or immoral acts described herein are completely made up, and thus give no cause for any penalties, whether criminal, civil, financial, or societal. While it is true that such fictions may give the reader pause, faced with an obviously unstable narrator who not only could conceive of such antisocial, discreditable, malicious, vicious, and contemptible thoughts, but who also gives voice to them, the user agrees and understands that he or she has read, perused, etc. this material at his or her own peril, and agrees further not to hold the author liable in any way, shape, or form for the aforementioned thoughts, and further agrees not to cut the author at parties if ever they should meet socially.
c. Any material which you might choose to share on this site — whether text, comments, links, files, photos — becomes my property instantaneously, so you should be kind of careful there. Unless the stuff you upload or post is not your own, in which case: Shame on you! I will delete that right away, and will fully cooperate with enforcement personnel to ensure that your flagitious attack on academic and intellectual freedom does not go unpunished.
d. If you recognize your own work, idea, turn of phrase, or other creative effort within this site, simply notify me by emailing the webmaster of this site, and I will happily deny everything, will deny knowing what you are talking about, and will suggest that you are trying to take credit from my own creative works of genius. You agree and acknowledge that you knew I was going to do that, and you will wonder why you bothered. You further agree that you won’t hold me responsible, no more than you would an opossum crossing the road.
8. Disclaimers
a. The Author disclaims all responsibility.
b. Society made him do it.
c. It was somebody else’s fault.
d. I might tell you who if you just back off.
e. Seriously, dude. Back off.
f. Except Scott Grieder.
9.Warranties and Limitations of Liability
a. Educated Guesswork provides this site, its contents, features, and oddments to you solely on an ‘AS IS’ or an ‘AS MAY BE’ basis, with all faults and problems (whether of grammar, technology, philosophy, reason, logic, politics, etc.). No warranty express or implied is offered or given against defects in workmanship, craftsmanship, or suitability for any particular purpose or user. The user acknowledges and agrees that any issues arising from faults of the educatedguesswork.com site, whether within the user’s computer or data transfer device, beliefs, or brain shall be the sole responsibility of the user, and further the user acknowledges and agrees that he or she shall in no way hold Educated Guesswork liable for any damage arising from, accruing or relating to said issues. The user agrees and understands that by this time he or she has been warned many, many times in these Terms of Service that any problems he or she may have for which he or she wishes, desires, thinks to blame this site are in fact his or her own.
b. Educated Guesswork does not warrant or guarantee that you will be able to access material on this site, and further makes no claim that any such material will be legible, comprehensible, well-reasoned, founded on fact, or useful in any way, shape, or form.
c. The user agrees and understands that his or her use of this site and its content is made at the user’s own sole risk and responsibility, and further agrees that he or she will not hold Educated Guesswork liable for any consequences arising from such use, no matter how fleeting or in depth such use might be, no matter how dire such consequences may be. If, for example, the user loses his or her job “because” he or she were reading this disclaimer rather than doing his or her “job”, the user agrees that “he or she” will merely shrug and try to get on with his or her “life”, rather than coming after Educated Guesswork with a battery of lawyers, all intent on somehow squeezing blood out of a stone.
d. The user agrees and understands that in the event of any dispute arising between you and I, the user’s sole remedy shall be to submit such dispute to arbitration. The user further agrees that such arbitration shall be at my sole discretion, and that such arbitration will be performed by a board appointed solely by me, whose members will consist of: me. The user agrees to forego any and all other possible avenues of dispute resolution or retaliation or restitution, and that the arbitration referred to hereabove shall be the sole recourse available to the user, and that no other method such as civil suits, criminal charges, grand jury investigations or indictments, pressure (whether physical or mental) from a mob enforcer, picketing, boycotting, nasty letter writing campaigns, appealing to the court of public opinion, telling your own side of the story, pleading, threatening, cajoling, whining, or temper tantrums shall be pursued by the user.
e. The user further understands that my hands are not so tied.
10. Penalties
a. I really don’t feel like writing this out just now. The user should just assume that you owe me some money if you violate even one of the strictures contained within these Terms of Service (“TOS”), and the user agrees and understands that he or she will just send me $500 to be on the safe side. The user further acknowledges and agrees that he or she has no expectation of ever seeing that money again, and that the author is free to use it as I see fit.
11. Severability
a. In the event that any specific provision of these Terms of Service (“TOS”) are declared invalid by a court of competent jurisdiction (of which there are none, for as mentioned before, both you and I agree to submit all disputes to arbitration, and further agree that I shall be the sole arbiter), all other provisos, clauses, agreements, contracts (express and implied), and bonds remain in full force and effect
b. The user also agrees that, if any provision or statement contained within these Terms of Service (“TOS”) are repetions or restatements of other provisions or statements, with differing words or even seemingly differing intent, the user nevertheless agrees that the best version of the provision or statement shall be the one with full force and effect, where the “best version” shall be that which most effectively dovetails with the sentiments and wishes of the author, as determined by the author himself. The user further agrees and understands that this “best version” may be different in different circumstances, depending on the situation of the author and his own wishes.