I drive on the right-hand side of the road. I do not do this because I believe that there is something inherently ‘better’ about riding to the right of oncoming traffic. I do confess that am habituated to this mode of driving, that it feels somehow more natural, but I do not doubt that if I were to move to England and were to get behind the wheel of an automobile in the United Kingdom for any length of time that I would be able to accustom myself – perhaps after several weeks of terrorizing the poor innocents who found me hurling toward them unconcernedly on the right-hand side of the orad – would be able, I say, to get used to driving on the left-hand side of the road. The right-hand side of the road, that is, is not the ‘Right’ side of the road, no more than the left-hand side of the road is the ‘Wrong’ side of the road. It is simply a matter of custom – as well as the apparent fact that, given any significant volume of traffic, we need to agree upon some such standard, if only to keep the roads moving, leaving aside the inevitable disaster, injuries, and deaths that would ensue from attempting to let the ‘unseen hand’ of the Market determine whether we should all drive on the same side, and which side that should be.
Now, it is interesting (to me; I make no claims for any other) that our Modern Age has seen a peristaltic tension and release around the idea of Custom or Tradition, sometimes erupting, as society decides it cannot quite digest changes normally, into a vomitous urge either to condemn Custom entirely, or to uphold Tradition in a reactionary and rigid manner. The widespread religion of Science which many follow has led perhaps to the preponderance going against Custom, as when we bewail those silly superstitions that will not die (say, that walking under a ladder is bad luck) and pat ourselves on the back for being oh so superior to those benighted fools who lived in Medieval times, or in the 19th century, or in the 50s, or in the 80s, or before 9/11, or in Canada. Putting to one side the question of whether walking beneath a ladder, while it might not actually cause misfortune, might still be unwise, I find myself filled with despair – not for society, oh no! – but for myself. I feel greatly inferior because of all my own superstitions, prejudices, bigotries, inadequacies, and my inability to loose the shackles clamped upon me by the world and time in which I live. I am inferior before the vastly more enlightened denizens of the future that will be able to look back at my times and decry that anyone could have believed the claptrap which – unfortunately – I believe; I believe it without even knowing what it is.
On the other hand, there may arise a great cultural battle between those who believe in driving on the right-hand side of the road and those who believe the opposite. Perhaps a study may come out comparing the high mortality and injury rates of the US versus that of the UK and, grasping the obvious, a movement shall arise to get rid of our backwards unscientific custom of right-hand driving. Perhaps a group of left-handed citizens of my country shall arise and demand an end to the tyranny of right-handers, that no more should the left hand be thought of as ‘wrong’, the tool of the devil, ‘sinister’. And the neutral voices – which really just don’t care, so they do not speak very loudly – will be joined by those who point out that, not only does the majority of the world drive on the right-hand side of the road (majority is right = democracy, or do you hate freedom?), but that our forefathers fought a revolution to secape from the hidebound constraints of the English, so why should we want to put those shackles back upon us now? Still others will point out that Leftists are bad, thus…. Another faction might point to the fact that in some cultures the left hand has only one, unmentionable purpose. Still another will bring up that many members of those cultures are kind of, well, you know, in the Middle East, which opens a whole other can of worms.
And so the battle will be joined. If you are liberal or gay or a ‘friend of Science’ you may insist that we eschew the barbaric custom of driving to the right of oncoming traffic. If you are Muslim or conservative or a ‘friend of Liverty’ you will fight tooth and nail against any change whatsoever.* Protests will be made, with cars hurling down the Interstates, poised for collisions to mirror the culture wars. Gridlock and mayhem will follow. To quote Kurt Vonnegut, “and so it goes.”
And my inferior benighted superstitious barbaric self of this day and this time takes some solace from the thoughts of the imagined superior peoples to come.
*But remember what I said about my use of the word ‘you’†
† (I haven’t actually written this yet)