I See Nobody

Ah, crafty, wily, quick-tongued Odysseus! Was there ever such a hero before, relying upon his wits rather than his brute strength? A fighter, too, and brave beyond all reckoning, willing to test himself against the siren’s song, though only after espying the loophole in their magic and challenging their beckoning music with prior restraint. Tennyson’s poem exactly captures the man, a hero for whom the eternal “now” of existence is the purpose of existence itself, and for whom the point of being is to always be on the move, pushing back the horizon by ever seeking it. Odysseus is a king among kings, a man among men, truly worthy of striving against gods.

Yet he is everyman, as well. James Joyce famously remarked that each man reenacts the Odyssey each and every day, and then the Irish writer proceeded to craft Ulysses and place the unheroic Mr. Bloom smack dab in the bowels of Greek heroic poetry. Whatever faults may accrue to Joyce from his idiosyncratic deconstruction of the English language in his magnum opus minus one, he understood all too well the power of this most primal of our culture’s tales.

Which brings us to Anon(ymous), a play by Naomi Iizuka purporting to be “a modern retelling of The Odyssey”, which I saw tonight at a high school production at Canyon Creek Academy. It was a very interesting production, and the title role was – as they say – very “ably performed” by one Izzy Pollack. The staging had its moments of brilliance and many of the cast teased out the best meal from the meat they were given. But ultimately the play – by which I mean the play itself, its dialogue, characters, scenes – left me quite unsatisfied.

I would blame Ms. Iizuka for this, if it were not for the fact that I really have no standing to blame anyone but myself for my own dissatisfaction. First, I have so little knowledge or comprehension of drama – of any stripe – that any pretensions I might have to critique even a Punch & Judy show would be quite laughable. After all, Naomi Iizuka is “one of the freshest voices in modern theater” (it says so in the program), and I am truly a nobody among nobodies, particularly in this realm unknown to me. Second, I fear I am a poor critic, unable to channel the true “suspension of disbelief” required for the theater, and too easily distracted by petty inconveniences such as the last-minute rush of people interrupting our place in line; watching twenty or more people push ahead of us to grab the few well-positioned seats in the very small Black Box Theater, I fear, tempered my enthusiasm for the forthcoming presentation of the dramatic arts. Third, I confess to an inability to temper my judgments based on the specifics of the situation; that is, I cannot tell a brilliant performance by a fifteen year-old from a passable one by a veteran, cannot distinguish faulty acoustics from my own wax-clogged ears plagued by tinnitus. And fourth and finally, I came to the play with an odd mixture of highest expectations and low interest; the former from the high regard I have for Homer’s masterwork and the love I have for its descendants from Tennyson to Joyce to the Coen brothers, the latter from the resigned way in which I backed into going to this play. But of that, more anon. For in spite of all these quite cogent reasons why I should not dare or deign to critique Anon(ymous), I have made up my mind to do so.

In this retelling, the Odysseus character – here called Anon – is a stranger to American shores, an immigrant, a refugee from some war-torn land. The play opens with the basic question of “Who Are You?”, to which Anon has no good answer. He cannot remember where he came from, how he got here, and doesn’t really know anything about where he is now. Anon declaims “Where I came from is far away from here” and a song and dance breaks out among the ensemble, evincing the far-away land of green tea and enormous butterflies that Anon cannot seem to recall clearly. During the drama Anon gives several names for himself – often by reappropriating a nearby sign – but most frequently calls himself “Nobody”. While of course this is a clear homage to the source (I would have loved to have seen the Cyclops, sorry, the one-eyed serial killer butcher Mr. Zyclo in the play, scream out “Nobody blinded me!”, but … well, we don’t always get what we want), the constant reinforcement of Anon as a “nobody” underscores both his impotence before the vast forces about him in this new land as well as the “everyman” nature of the lead character. His journey – or rather the series of vignettes, flashbacks, and a few unnecessary set pieces dictated by the original epic – is the story of a person coming to terms with who he is, trying to discover his self when that self has been uprooted from its past and has not the solace of home, for home is an unremembered nightmare and the place where he finds himself is a strange, inhospitable foreign land. Blah, blah, blah.

The preciousness of this play, signaled well in advance by its oh-so-clever title, reveals itself in earnest caring for the infinitude. The poor, the downtrodden, the forgotten, yes they deserve our respect and attention, but the pale character of Anon, who can’t clearly remember where he came from and is not quite sure where he might be going, is too shadowy a nonentity upon whom to suspend the weight of “all the lonely people”. Anon recalls the war, the crowded boat which foundered, separating him from his mother, but these plastic recollections do not give him character; they are merely hollow back stories for a work that would like to be heartfelt and caring for the uncared for, but which fails to stoop to pick up Elenor Rigby’s rice. The easy set pieces continue, hung like a shabby coat on the frame of The Odyssey: the spoiled rich girl who saved Anon’s life when he washed ashore on her father’s private beach (Circe), the one-eyed serial killer butcher (Mr. Zyclo), the sweatshop where the oppressive Mr. Yuri Mackus importunes into marriage Nemasani (also known as “Penny”, in case you couldn’t figure out that Eurymachus and Penelope are intended). But these scenes cloy with the accumulated nullities of fervent significance; yes, sweatshops are bad, serial killers are bad, rich people who own beaches, I suppose, are bad. But what then? The primacy of the little people before these fearsome evils is assumed, but little case is made for these people as true individuals. Or, as Dash says in The Incredibles, “If everyone is special, then no one is.”

Not that these scenes weren’t interesting, at times. Lisa Berger ably directed the production, giving ample credit to her high school case in the playbill for their contributions to a production full of sparkling visual effect, fascinating staging, and the almost dance-like physicality the actors brought to the performance. The presentation of the sweatshop was staged quite impressively, with the ensemble creating a factory with their mechanical movements as actors threaded a long wave of fabric through the all-too-human (and thus inhuman) machine. Mr. Zyclo processes his “meat” in another human machine fashioned by actors passing a red skein of yarn through a device implied and constructed from iron jetsam – a garbage can lid, a series of ducts – to produce Zyclo’s sausage for cannibals. In a later scene, as Anon and a girl he has rescued receive a ride from a lecherous truck driver, the truck is connoted onstage by sheets of corrugated tin held behind the seated actors, with other ensemble members rotating black umbrellas to show the spinning tires of the eighteen-wheeler, while the driver circles his hands on a garbage can lid cum steering wheel. The long sheets of cloth, used with great success in the sweatshop scene, are also used unsparingly to connote water, both as the lapping waves on the rich girl’s private beach, and – in one of my favorite scenes – stretched and billowing towards the audience and Anon and his protective goddess (Naja? I confess a difficulty mapping the characters in the play to those listed in the program) “swim” between the undulating sheets of blue. The effect was most pleasing.

Perhaps my favorite among many quite interesting scenes was the terrific fight between Anon and Pascal. Pascal has rescued Anon from the unseen menace of approaching men of ill intent (“The cops? INS? Rent-a-cops?” Pascal answers with a shrug when Anon asks who their would-be pursuers were), and has led Anon into tunnels for safety. In typical Hollywood fashion, the two must fight to become fast friends, and they proceed to do so over implied or express insults that one or the other may have made towards his partner. The subsequent fight itself was the showstopper of the evening – literally, gaining a spontaneous applause at its conclusion. This brilliant sequence was beautifully choreographed by Christopher Watkins, who mixed the fearsome action with live “slo-mo” sequences at each powerful blow, thus greatly heightening the dramatic impact while ensuring the actors’ safety. Well done! The character of Pascal was performed by Josh Guicherit, who gave a natural credibility to this turn as a streetwise hustler who takes the clueless Anon under his wing.

Alas, Pascal is doomed to die, turned into sausage for Mr. Zyclo’s beastly hunger. But then again, one of the hard aspects of the Odysseus trope is that everybody around him must die.

Yet notes of dissonance creep in whenever the parallels between this play and its epic source are underlined, as during our introduction to the sweatshop where Senator Laius and his wife Helen tour the sewing shop, assured by the oily Mr. Mackus that this is no sweatshop, in spite of the angry dance of the oppressed seamstresses which assure us that it is. This useful irony is not the dissonance I mean, but rather the haphazard sprinkling of Menelaus and Helen into the place which must represent Odysseus’ palace at Ithaca, where Penelope waits oh so patiently for her king to return. (As Kenneth Rexroth pointed out, The Odyssey can be read as a sailor’s ultimate fantasy, wherein the sailor goes out and fights and whores around for years, all while his wife sits chaste at home, waiting for her man to return from the sea.) In the source, of course, Menelaus and Helen welcome Telemachus into their home and encourage him to resist the suitors eating him out of his birthright. In Iizuka’s play, however, they are mere nonentities, especially the again cleverly named Senator Laius (played by Jordan Cavanaugh, who also plays the murderous Mr. Zyclo with perhaps a bit more relish). Helen, at least, moves the plot along by attempting to purchase the shroud Penny works endlessly on for her lost son. Tracy McDowell does a nice job of parroting the imperious tone of the entitled rich, as well as Helen’s simpering sympathy for Penny’s loss, though her amazing turn as Mr. Zyclos’ pet bird, emitting shrieks and cries that quite pleasantly reminded me of the best Dada poetry, was one of the high points of the performance for this ignorant audience member.

But making Mulligan stew from Homer’s meat and potatoes bothered me greatly. Beyond tossing characters hither and yon in an attempt to claim the sheen of Homer’s poetry for her own, Ms. Iizuka’s decision to make Penny the mother of Anon – rather than Odysseus’ wife – struck a heavy blow against my appreciation of the play as a retelling of Odysseus’ tale, a blow which resonated shrilly through many of the other elements and characters lifted from Homer, both shattering this connection (in my mind) to the masterful source and detracting (I felt) from the work before me. For at this point, when Odysseus becomes Telemachus, I begin to wonder why bother make a connection to The Odyssey at all. Scrub the names to remove all connection from “Yuri Mackus” to “Eurymachus”, give me a reason beyond the Cyclops episode to explain why a stranded immigrant might come face to face with a serial killer, and perhaps I will see a story shorn of its needless decorations. Invoking a masterwork means summoning its ghost, and unfortunately that ghost runs circles around Anon(ymous), though the chains that fetter Ms. Iizuka’s play are not those brought by Homer’s spirit, but are heavy iron forged by the play itself, its would-be weightiness instead becoming a deadweight that sinks the drama in spite of its light and music and action.

For Anon is no Odysseus. The merest hints of craftiness are given his character – his cleverness at making up his aliases mentioned before, distracting Mr. Zyclo by questions about wine or pretending to hear a lost bird – but for most of the play Anon merely stumbles into and through the action around him. Others drive him on his journey – Pascal rescues him, a rich girl rescues him, a kindly family with a curry restaurant lets him know his mother still lives. He has two fights which prove that he isn’t a complete wimp (it is left as an exercise for the reader to guess with whom the second fight takes place), and he insists the truck driver pull over as questions about its cargo arise, but…. Ultimately Anon’s passions are plastic and feeble. The vigorous lust Odysseus has for the eternal “now” is replaced in Anon(ymous) with mediocre maunderings through an eternal “here”. There is no point to Anon’s wanderings; his quest is made complete only through deus ex machina happenstance. (“It’s a smaller world than you think.” Really?) Anon(ymous) claims to be about trying to find a home, when home is gone and unremembered, but no home is presented, only an ill-realized “Golden Age” of a land long gone, and the frenetic, senseless vignettes of Anon’s new circumstances, Anon’s eternal “here” as easily replaced by an eternal “nowhere”.

Ultimately, of course, Anon(ymous) must be judged upon its own merits, and not upon the spirit of Homer with which it seeks to commune. That that spirit hovers above Iizuka’s play in vibrant contradistinction to the pallid characters in Anon(ymous) only heightens the lifeless nature of the easy caricatures presented by this modern drama. Anon, in portraying Everyman, more often than not becomes the Nobody he claims to be, beset by the unfathomable events which occur around him rather than shaping or being shaped by them. And while Odysseus had his own share of being put upon by the gods, never did the wily, crafty-tongued mariner simply submit to his fate. Truly the king of Ithaca insists upon drinking life to the lees, while Anon is left with the merest dregs of life, as the scintillating staging and banal platitudes of interconnectedness cannot distract, in the end, from Anon’s ponderous helplessness before the contrived chaos of his manufactured drama. In the end, Anon(ymous) falls flat, victim of its own hubris as it overreaches its powerful source, grasping instead a vacuity of “messages” that lie lifeless before the still living ghosts of The Odyssey. The dazzling smorgasbord of Ms. Iizuka’s play provides all-too-little meat for men and women hungry for meaning.

The play makes a great show of beginning in media res, with Anon’s muse urging him to “begin in the middle” – more homage to the blind poet of Chios. But the play’s middle is everywhere and nowhere, its circumference everywhere and nowhere, and it has no center with which to hold its chopped bits and pieces together. The play seems to “breathe” most freely when exposing its creaky machinery, as it processes Homer’s yarn to make it an unfortunate and indigestible sausage. The showy staging and innovative machinery of Anon(ymous) cannot hide the lack of nutrient within the play’s core.

Stupid, Stupid

Stupid, stupid, not so bright,
Leaving on the lights at night.
What masochistic fantasy
Absolves my sin ‘gainst synergy?

Killing dolphins in the sound
With wasted oil clawed from the ground,
Power purposed to gladden lives
Instead spewed forth to darken skies.

With every heedless step I make
Scores of living beings break.
With each unthinking breath I steal
A furry mammal’s share of weal.

How to assuage the spirits gone
Because I left the power on?
How to berate myself enough
For sqandering such precious stuff?

No debt so small that I can pay,
No sacrifice that I may make,
Which ever can erase this day
The thoughtless blight of my mistake.

What hammer sufficient to strike the blow?
What words so vile to excoriate enow?
O let me stanch my primal force
Sooner than blanch the wild water’s course.

Crack my head upon a rock,
Encase my heart in concrete block,
Buried beneath lifeless sands
In half-payment of life’s remands.

Stupid, stupid, not so bright,
Leaving on the lights at night.
What masochistic fantasy
Remits my sin ‘gainst harmony?

Psalm

A Psalm
for the Master of Music, and Leonard, if he’s still here

Who can make fun of God?
Is not His sense of humor apparent to all?
The platypus, mucus, the big toe,
Do they not proclaim the Lord’s laughter?

Who can mock the vast oceans?
Or belittle the mighty forests?
If I laugh at the least of God’s creatures,
Does the splendor of the Almighty dim before my derision?

The dog stirs and twitches
As it chases after dreams.
So too are my feeble japes
Mere dreams of Thy cosmic laughter.

How can any gag of mine
But pale before the smiling Holy Spirit
That blessed the world and its creatures
With hiccups, the sneeze, and flatulence?

If I tell of Thy jokes and wonders,
They are too many to be numbered.
I hear not the lying voices of the humorless.
I will bend mine ear to the heavens
And hear the laughter in the wind’s whisper,
The wave’s crash, and sudden thunder.

Enfold me in Thy infinite humor.
Protect me with lovingkindness.
For I am beset on all sides
By vile lies and passionless evils;
Detractors and unbelievers
Spew their bile at me.
The gall of the unfunny
I cannot swallow.

Though one thousand sullen ones
Stand stupidly in line before me,
I shall laugh with Thee, O Lord.
Though five hundred minutes
Are poured out upon a waste of rocks and sand,
I shall chuckle as I stub my big toe.

The sun rises in the East;
I shall awaken laughing.
The stars shine in the darkening skies;
I shall recline to sleep, laughing.

May I laugh all my days,
As you have laughed since the beginning of time.
Help me in times of torment,
And may I laugh at Thy jokes,
Even those I do not get.

A Suitable Balance

(for Jane, on her 50th)

Life’s difficult path makes us travel
Between the weight of woes and insensate matter.
Upon reality’s anvil spirits become gravel
While pressing cares many souls will shatter.

A maddening task, to navigate betwixt the two
And not merely survive, but truly live,
For too sane a view washes the colors flat,
Erasing the beauty that life would give.

The sparkling light in the cup of Bacchus
Reflects the wild awe of nature’s secret.
To capture that ineffable mystery — Impossible!
Yet dancers catch and release art and poetry.

So dance in the sea of troubles,
Splash folly in the face of care,
Laugh at the hammer of worry,
Soar joyfully into the air.

A love is needed not quite rational
To write, to draw, to love — to create —
Poised between what might be and the actual,
Helping others move from gray to the infinite.

A natural madness is a delicate balance,
Neither overburden’d, nor oversane,
Seeking wonder at the borderlands,
Bringing home beauty back to us again.

Glance of Sadness

When the abyss stared back at me, I saw an unutterable sadness, a black heart stone which had replaced Pandora’s hope after the doubts and terrors had fled. The loathing and nightmares were protections, I realized, from the inexorable illness at the core of the universe, at the center of our each universe. And I picked it up, and turned it over. It was heavy. And on the other side was no redemption, no reconciliation to illuminate, explain, or allay the black blood that pulsed through the capillaries of time and space. And even the black despair was but a shield against the pervasive sadness.

Who Owns The Rights To "Pants On The Ground"?

[UPDATE (Jan 21, 2010): Apparently Larry Platt is asking some of the same questions raised below, and is looking for a lawyer to help him protect his rights to “Pants On The Ground”]

Well, anyone who has ever doubted Simon Cowell’s music business acumen will certainly have to give him credit now. Perhaps at the very moment when Mr. Cowell was admitting his “horrible feeling” that “Pants On The Ground” might become a hit, armies of American Idol fans were transforming the TV show’s broadcast of 62 year-old[1] ‘General’ Larry Platt’s song into YouTube clips and mp3 files. The civil rights activist, who marched with Martin Luther King, Jr. and John Lewis, has become a viral hit.

Who actually owns “Pants On The Ground”, though? I have no legal insight or training, and – even more critically – I have no idea just what legal rights American Idol contestants are required to sign away for the chance to appear before Simon, Randy, the new one, and whatever guest judge happens to be in town that week. There is, however, this official document from the American Idol site, the “Season 9 Registration and Audition Rules”. Therein the hopeful singers are notified that their very presence at the auditions means they give “consent and agreement” to recording and using pretty much anything they perform or do at the audition as the producers see fit, “(including advertising, marketing, promotion, merchandising and the exploitation of any and all ancillary and subsidiary rights), as the same may be edited, in all media now known or hereafter created, throughout the universe”.[2] Perhaps those “ancillary and subsidiary rights” include the copyright to this catchy tune.

That is certainly the belief of a few YouTubers who are seeking to protect themselves from legal action by noting that the uploaded video of Larry Platt’s performance is “Copyright FreemantleMedia, American Idol” or somesuch. Others plaintively state “no infringement intended” (including this one which avoids the actual copyright at issue by stating that “Copyright remains to its original owners”[3]), thus making a bold claim to inattentive infringement. Of course, if THEY want to come after you, THEY will get you, protestations aside. But this doesn’t get me closer to the answer of just who They might be in this case, the actual owner(s) of the copyright to “Pants On The Ground”.

On the other hand, FOX could have made some serious cash by putting this clip on iTunes, but did not do so. While the spot-on Neil Young pastiche by Jimmy Kimmel[4] would naturally be protected as a parody, there are already several new versions and remixes in the EtherWeb already, which of course do infringe on the rights of the unknown owner(s). And then there are the ringtones, which though usually available for free are found on advertising-supported sites — i.e., someone is making money on “Pants On The Ground”. Will the RIAA step in to protect the rights of the copyright holder, whoever he or she or they may be?[5]

Besides the actual legal documents Mr. Platt may have signed, the question of who owns “Pants On The Ground” may hinge on whether or not ‘General’ Platt was ever recorded singing his song before he auditioned for American Idol. This is because — according to my admittedly non-professional reading of the US Copyright Office guidelines — copyright does not attain to a piece of mucic until it is “created”, and in the interesting vocabulary of copyright “creation” occurs only when a work is “fixed” in a material object for the first time. If Larry Platt never wrote down his lyrics or was recorded singing “Pants On The Ground”, then the act of “creation” occurred at the moment the American Idol cameras captured his star turn for the show. In which case, if the “ancillary and subsidiary rights” include rights to original work, FOX or Rupert Murdoch (or FreemantleMedia (or both, etc., etc….)) owns the newest song sensation.

One might argue that none of this matters, that Larry Platt will make out fine with his newfound publicity, whether or not he cashes royalty checks for “Pants On The Ground”. And this is true, perhaps. One could also turn the tale into a narrative of how once more the White powers-that-be are cashing in on the music of the Blacks, à la the Rolling Stones. It would be all too easy to make the events prove this or that point (though I’m guessing Pat Robertson and Rachel Maddow would end up with different points), but my question remains, just because I actually do wonder:

Who owns the copyright for “Pants On The Ground”?

P.S. The story of “General” Larry Platt is much more interesting, by the way, than the quick and crazy impression I know that I got on first viewing American Idol last Wednesday. An impression that continued as I read the newspaper and online articles about his viral success. Check out this video, and read the “more info” text, to learn about an involved citizen who was honored for his public service with the city of Atlanta officially declaring September 4, 2001[6] “Larry Platt Day”

1On the TV show, Mr. Platt stated he was 62 years old. However, in an Associated Press article, the Atlantan was said to be 63.
2Seriously, that’s what it says. This seems to be just boilerplate legalese, though I suppose that a rediscovered ancient form of media wouldn’t be covered. Surprising to see the lawyers leave a loophole like that….
3Um… not to quibble, but surely no one thinks that without that reassurance, that copyright might somehow be lost? Or that some person posting a video grabbed from TV has any power whatsoever to take away rights from anyone?
4I link to the official NBC site so as to leave any copyright issues between NBC and FOX between just their inestimable legal teams. Sorry for the prefaced commercial….
5The RIAA at least has no trouble calling a spade a spade: “Music is protected by copyright. The unauthorized downloading or uploading of music is actionable as copyright infringement, even if not done for profit.”
6Odd, isn’t it, that he was honored just a week before 9/11. And now he becomes a sensation just under a week before MLK Day. Coincidence? Yes.

A Desperate Tale

The Fall of Paris: The Siege and the Commune 1870-71
by Alistair Horne

Alistair Horne’s study of the Siege of Paris and the Paris Commune which followed is a remarkable history “from the inside”, as it were: “inside” in this case being within Paris, first during the Prussian investment and then amidst the follies and fury of the Commune and the vengeful Versaillais who crushed this nascent Utopia in the bud. Horne makes good use of his primary source — many British and American, giving an Anglo bent to his work. But it is hard to fautt him for this, as it was only the onlookers who had time or inclination to write during the terrible year of 1870-71.

The story is unfamiliar to most, and is a shattering tale of the desperation of Parisians trapped in the ‘most beautiful city in the world’ as Prussian guns surround. The incompetence and hubris of the French leaders — whether military or political — is a tragi-comic thread woven throughout the tale, but the farce truly turns to tragedy only after armistice is signed with Bismarck and the newly minted Kaiser Wilhelm. It is then that the feelings of betrayal engendered in the Parisian populace at the unspeakable concessions given to the Prussians leads to open revolt among the working class of Paris, led by the leftist preachers of defiance to the old ways of empire, militarism, and profiteering.

Similar to Tuchman’s The Proud Tower, Horne’s history shows a society at a vital cusp in time, when old ways and concerns are being swept forcefully into a new era. Unlike Tuchman’s history of the period before World War I, however, the modes of life are not so much swept away as transformed into new obsessions which are crystalized into patterns resisting further sublimation. Among these are Glory, Socialism (via Marxism and Communism), and a class war that still influences today the life of France. Reading of the horrific price exacted upon the rebels by Thier’s forces of “Order” when Paris is finally retaken from the Commune, it is hard not to feel sympathy for their argument that they felt themselves treated as less-than-human in other affairs. It is even harder not to fall prey to despair for the human condition, if even such bright lights as shine in Paris can sink into barbarisms more associated with Kosovo, the Hutus and Tutsis — well, what hope for us all?

For those not familiar with the story (as your present writer), the revelations are many and disturbing. Besides the senseless carnage, the near-misses leave one breathless. The Louvre saved from conflagraion a fortunate rain after days of sunshine; Notre-Dame almost burned to the ground by hopeless Communards during the final days; Renoir — not yet a famous artist — saved from execution by a chance favor given years earlier to one who became one of rht Commune’s most vicious leaders. But the true revelation is destruction and near-destruction wreaked upon my favorite city, not by the German guns and troops, but by the Parisians themselves on both sides of the barricades. Even Dietrich von Choltitz refused Hitler’s order to destroy the City of Lights during the final days of the Nazi occupation. How upsetting to read of the self-inflicted wounds — some nearly mortal — in this history.

Customer Service

I would like to say right off that I have been called abstruse and obtuse, verbose and vague, erudite and recondite, eccentric and elliptical, prolix and elliptical, meandering and tangential, indirect and evasive, and just plain weird. I cannot in all honesty say these things, because I can recall only perhaps 75% of them being said by someone other than myself. Do I tergiversate my thumb at thee? I do tergiversate. However, my wordy ways netted me my first (and so far only) comment to this blog, as well as a handsome check for a large sum of reality, in the form of that comment’s meaningful criticism of my prose.

The comment said nothing about my words, style, ‘presentation’, or strangled syntax. (“Is that sentence still breathing? Crush its modal verb!”) It was a straightforward message from a certain Liam, who works at LivingSocial.com in some undefined capacity. Liam’s import was clear and direct: He had read about my woes with the aforementioned site (don’t forget these are my words you’re reading now; you can read his words in the comments section of the blog post I’m going to reference three sentences further down the page), and wanted to help me resolve those problems. He even posted his email address into the comment so I could contact him directly. However, my only ‘problem’ with that was that I had no problems; in fact, my original post was supposed to have been about my joy at finding my earlier issues resolved whilst I was sleeping. So I learned – and I’m sure Liam wouldn’t have told me to my face, even if he had noticed how difficult my prose made his life – but I learned nonetheless that my writing was not clear, did not convey its message in the lucid prose it has always been my dream to write. Ah, me! You can read the original post, “Man never Is, but always To be blest”, here. (I do not count the interjections, and the independent clauses joined by a semicolon count as only one sentence.)I fear that clarity may always remain an Impossible Dream for me, but I don’t see myself moving towards greater perspicuity any time soon…

So what is my point? Well, as an illustration of how cocked up my ‘style’ is, let me start by saying that I bought a cell phone this weekend. (And not by saying that I have ‘style’ the way that we all have a ‘diet’ – that is, you’re stuck with whatever you’ve got.) I was uncertain whether I would purchase the phone in the AT&T store, or whether I would return to the Interwebs where I had done my research before going to the hard copy. What sold me on the phone, the service plan, and the various accoutrements, was the engaging salesman Chris who helped my daughter and me.
Chris answered every question, no matter how silly, and his command of his products was excellent, and he even admitted to ignorance when he had to look something up or just didn’t know the answer. (I know some may think this is the definition of ignorance, but I believe many salespeople use a different, ‘better’, secret definition, for most either say anything for the sale, or project the ignorance onto the customer – “You mean you’ve never used a KVMP?” they’ll say with an arched eyebrow. “It’s so much better than the old KVMs…” looking disdainfully to the heavens.) But perhaps the most elevated part of our discourse came when I told him, after he’d offered to show me how I could save even more with AT&T’s U-verse bundle, that I wasn’t going to buy it but that he should feel free to give me his spiel; he didn’t change his tone, didn’t rush through his presentation of information, and actually seemed to relish his job all the more. Now, I worked retail for 12 years; I would have shown myself the door. But now I actually find myself investigating a switch to U-verse (high marks from Consumer Reports), all because I was treated like a human being. I’ll go further: because I was treated to a human being.

So much of our daily lives is spent as cogs in various 21st-century machinae ex deo, and perhaps the worst is the consumer machine. We are told – somewhat justly – that our strongest power comes as Consumers, that we can shake the seemingly careless industry titans by deigning to boycott Whole Foods because we don’t like the political opinions of one of their executives, by refusing to buy products for any number of other worthy motives; however, the actual practice of being a Consumer entails a deadening monotony of enervating interactions with people ‘just trying to do their job’ while we ‘just try to do our shopping’. When consumerism metastasized into the doctor’s office, and we became ‘smart shoppers’ of medical care, perhaps some less harried among us noticed the change on the other end of the stethoscope; no more does the doctor have time to really listen and communicate with her patients, because she has to ‘budget her time’, and some wonder whither went the house call, the bedside manner, and the simple calm conviction of medical practitioners that helped as many as any drugs or procedures ever did.
I’m thinking about all this because the next day, my wife had to make some complicated travel arrangements. Of course, like many in the past decade, we have not made a reservation through a human being in quite some time. But out of necessity – and of course after researching options on the Interwebs – she called Delta Airlines directly, and talked with Kay.

Kay turned out to be like Liam, like Chris: very helpful, attentive, knowledgeable, and – most important – very human. She spent quite a while getting all our arrangements together, and even bent over backwards to merge my multiple SkyMiles accounts, all the while talking with my wife as if she, too, were an actual person. My wife talked about the experience for some time afterwards, and I recounted my pleasurable jaunt to the phone store, and I realized that I needed to send kudos out to Liam for his efforts to make things right – as well as to correct any misapprehension on the part of my reader. I’m sure my prolix prose has somehow managed to miss my point again – I’m certain I had one when I started – but I hope that somewhere something good is coming for Liam, Chris, and Kay. They truly deserve it.

Thank you, Kay, Chris, and Liam – thank you for being humans in situations where it is easier to do otherwise. Thanks as well for your clear, patient answers to all of our questions. I hope I can learn to be more like you when I grow up.

Woman On The Verge

She did not look at me — she looked at no one, she apologized to the man sitting between us in the back row of our flight to San Diego. She knew she seemed rude, but she couldn’t look at people when talking to them.

She was deeply troubled. There are times in a human’s life when the hour-glass becomes porous, and the sand within slips through the walls, threatening to shatter the personality forevermore. Her voice was fluid and almost controlled, choked and wild, veering from sobs to near-shouts to return to an all too patient neutrality as she tried with each new sentence to grasp some of the thoughts slipping through her mind. She was reading a book by Fran Leibowitz, she told my neighbor in response to his query, but it wasn’t right, because the words on the page weren’t hers, should have been hers, and it was wrong, wrong.

The word hysteria, of course, was created by men to apply to women, though the flood of panic, doubt, fear, pain, wild emotion and heartsick lamentation is not a stream that overflows solely from the female psyche. Besides diminishing the force behind the tempest that creates such inundation, beyond attempting to channel the visceral flight which threatens to overwhelm the rational redoubts of society confronted with such incontinence, this word hysteria also hides the secret agony of its own process, by converting the ebb and flow into a manageable duality for the witness of the embarassing spectacle. One “becomes” hysterical, and therefore no longer worthy of further rational attention, but worthy only of a disdainful patronization. (We’ll skip over the gender bias of this word for now, shall we? Where was I? Oh, yes…) But this catastrophic word hysteria conceals the slow or fast path of turbulence and restraint between one’s “normal” state and the point at which the sufferer may be treated as a problematic child. A new word is needed — I shall make up a French word, tharnement (do not forget “th” is pronounced “t”) — to describe the intermediate state. It is an appalling condition, as the actor feels the lowering clouds of ominous portent sweep over the psychic horizon, and fights with might and main to control the looming disaster, to set up mental sandbags against the inevitable flood. Nance O’Neil speaks of such a storm, saying that for some women living their lives “in the small places into which they have been driven, there is a storm that broods but never bursts.” Ah, but once the tempest begins in earnest, and one toils to exhaustion to prevent the collapse of the levees and bulwarks of personality, and the strictest efforts are required just to “keep on keepin’ on,” as the argot would have it; after hours, days, weeks … years? … of struggle against the inexorable current of disaster, the tired oh-so-tired soul gingerly continues its woeful battle against the seemingly inevitable. And the wonder is not that we become overwrought and lose ourselves from time to time; the wonder is that we are not continually surrounded by panicked people always, ourselves playing that role in our turn. Thus the human spirit continues to double its losing bet against uncaring fate by refusing to give up hope, Pandora’s gift, even when hope is lost. Such was the woman sitting on the aisle.

She apparently had gotten her bachelor’s degree, for she wanted, hoped, oh she wished she could get into graduate school. There she would study how children and others learn. People learn differently, she explained further to my fellow traveler in the middle seat. She found that her teachers and courses presented themselves in far too linear a manner. And she couldn’t learn that way, she did not learn in a linear fashion. She verged between crying and near shouts. One could easily see her jumping up and screaming “Let me off the plane! Let me off now!” if the wrong word or thought pushed her so. Perhaps that is why my fellow prisoner in the middle seat had quickly changed the subject from Fran Leibowitz’s book, asking about the other volume she had with her. It proved to be a college text about learning techniques, prompting some of the above observations. Some other observations: She did not like being in boxes, being on a plane was yet another in a series of hateful boxes. She had endured every known form of intervention, therapy, reverse psychology, behavioral modification, etc. etc. over the past six weeks. She took medication, but because she lacked insurance she had had to join a drug study to receive any, and the source was foreign, and the pills contained a chemical which was known to be dangerous; this man had given her something which was poison, he’d given her poison, she had taken poison and was that right? Her voice rose to a near-shout as my companion and I agreed this was not right.

The man in the middle was a nice guy. He was returning from a vacation in Idaho with his three children, who occupied the other back-row seats across the aisle. They had driven three hours to Boise, flown from Boise to Oakland, and were now finishing the last leg before getting home. He had willingly given up his aisle seat to the young woman’s aunt, who had come to the back seeking a seat “close to the bathroom” for her niece. After he had moved to the middle seat and the niece had taken the aisle with her books and bag, the aunt went forward some seven or eight rows to claim a middle seat for herself. He conversed with the young woman in good spirit, not looking at her and not expecting her to look at him. He was out of his element, as he tried changing the subject only to see each new topic dissolve and reveal its dangerous core. He was a very nice man.

What was “wrong” with this woman? you may ask. Was it drugs? A psychotic break? A broken heart? Broken spirit? Anorexia? Bulimia? Schizophrenia? Manic depression? A suicide attempt? It does not matter. Perhaps all of the above, perhaps none. Perhaps she was possessed, not by a demon, but by some powerful force she could not resist except by freezing in place to avoid slipping finally fataly into the abyss. I am sure that a name had been given to “it”. The aunt was taking her back home from whatever emotional disaster had befallen, the family had been given the dire verdict, the doctors had tried to explain to this poor woman just what wrathful malady had captured her. Why not call it a demon? The aunt was content to sit a half-dozen rows ahead of the afflicted, grateful no doubt for even this ninety minutes of separation, of relief, of distance from the wearying vortex of anguish that her niece had become. After the hours — perhaps days — of helping her young niece disconnect from whatever life she had in the Bay Area to return to the sanctuary of her family, who can gainsay her hour-and-a-half of respite. The woman on the aisle never spoke the dread name that had been told her, and she knew no respite.

Of course she could not speak of these things. To do so, especially with chance strangers, would be equivalent to jumping into the rushing water to rescue a stuffed animal: a pointless way to be torn away by the flood. One can worry about the world ending, but the shock comes after it ends, and then the world ends again, and again, and yet again. A single glance at that point can be sufficient to topple the pillars and mountains anew, to unleash once more the devastating wrecking wave that washes away what was left after the world ended, and then triggers another wave to destroy what the last left behind. And yet some bite their lip, and pray that this is the last wave, or that it will soon be over, and resign themselves to the world ending, and yet do not give in, do not partake in the destruction themselves, but hang on, breathe, perhaps this will be the last wave, even if I go under, I will fight back to the surface, though lost and lonely and drowning and soaking wet and friendless and forgotten and so very tired.

Once upon a time, I rode on a cross-country flight — as is my habit, I had the window seat as I did flying to San Diego. Five hours that long ago flight lasted, and I leaned against the window, sobbing quietly against the window the entire flight. The older Black man sitting next to me — perhaps he was the same age I am now, perhaps a decade older — he wore a hat, and ignored me the entire flight as I cried against the plastic shield between me and the night. I suspect that if he had asked me what was wrong, or had spoken to me or even looked at me, I would have broken down completely.

I had no desire to help the woman on the aisle. What help could I give? Whatever tragic calamity had befallen could not be lessened by kind words and smiles. The road ahead seemed dark because the road was dark; new terrors lay ahead, and any path out of the dense and vicious wood which encircled her would be long and torturous, with dead ends and unsuspected traps, and no certainty of escape. I finally spoke up when she returned to her theme of her perceived rudeness; she knew that she must really be annoying, was certain that she annoyed most people. “I’ve found,” I said, “that the only people who really annoy me have been either roommates or relatives.” A dangerous gambit, and not a particularly truthful one when I recall my years in retail. I don’t remember exactly what was said next — nor would I want to recount the last hour of the flight, when writing this has already occupied a much longer time. I cynically tried to give hope, humorously admitted that things got fucked up sometimes, the usual blather. I told the story of crying on the cross-country non-stop. Told the story my grandfather had told me of a man who couldn’t cry (literally) who’d received a tear-duct transplant or some such, and couldn’t help but cry afterwards, while laughing with joy. We talked of fears of airplanes, my brother’s old nemesis. We talked of many things, enough to fill the remaining flight time and keep her voice within a standard deviation or two of “normal”.

Do not get me wrong. Do not mistake me. I am, in general — on planes, at least — a misanthrope. I do not want to converse. I fear more than anything being trapped on a plane making small talk with someone I disdain, or who I suspect disdains me. My interest was as much to diffuse the danger of her breakdown crossing some social barrier as it was to help. I knew I could not help. There was no help. She did not annoy me; she was wrong there. The desire to help may have been there, but it was accompanied by an immediate understanding of my inadequacy for the task, and a shameful prevision of failure. No, the only questions were: What to say? How to say it? As usual, there was nothing to say; the only question left was how to say it.

So we all chatted amiably together, ignoring or teasing the disaster whose presence laid its shadow across our hearts with varying degrees of darkness. We did not fight the shadow directly, but stepped aside or playfully shone our weak lights against it or pretended it was but a cloud. And so in an inverse of the oceanic metaphor, on the surface light breezes blew across the gentle whitecaps, while underneath in the depths roiling vortices snaked through the water, wild currents hidden from the open air. To myself I thought of all the friends I have known who have passed through a tunnel of darkness like this poor girl. Many made it through, years have passed and their bleak adventure is now only a cautionary tale. But some did not. And nothing is more certain than that when it seems that all hope is lost, one can be sure that it may become more hopeless still. From such a far-flung castaway trajectory beyond the farthest orbits of the social system, the journey back to the center is perilous and uncertain. They do not all return.

When we landed at San Diego, the man in the middle asked her name. She told him in an only slightly edgy voice. He told her his, and I spoke mine to both of them. She then shook our hands, looking us in the eye as she did so. I saw her for the first time; she was beautiful. After being assured that we two would watch over her books and bag, she got up from the aisle seat to use the restroom — her first occasion to do so. My companion in the middle seat turned to me and thanked me profusely for jumping into the conversation. He shook his head, perhaps shaking off as well the emotional residue that clung to us both. He got his kids together after I told him I’d maintain the watch on her books and bag. Whatever plague had struck this woman, its ravages were not at an end. In San Diego the aunt would pass her charge into the parents’ control, and a new chapter would begin. I, on the other hand, would walk away from the plane with something like relief, and would hug my family the tighter.

I do not know what any of this means.