Friday Vocabulary

1. teratogenic — disrupting development of fetus or embryo, thus causing birth defects

Pregnant women should avoid high intake of vitamin A, as teratogenic effects have been noted.

 

2. periapt — amulet, charm

“Do you deny, then, that you used this very periapt to conjure forth your sworn servant, this supposed cat, in fact a demonic minion of the Evil One?”

 

3. quintal — hundredweight

While in the summer pasture our dairy cows each produce almost two quintals of cheese, most of which we take to market.

 

4. throstle — a thrush

I heard his song before I spied the nut-brown throstle perched on a high bough of the apple tree.

 

5. bubo — inflamed swelling of lymphatic gland, esp. in groin or armpit

Though the inguinal bubo in his groin had receded, the venereal disease had not finished its malefic attack upon his health.

 

6. emulous — desirous of rivaling or imitating

With his latest work the Dutch sculptor, emulous of the renown his former mentor still enjoyed at court, hoped to capture the attention of the king.

 

7. fancy-work (also fancywork or fancy work) — ornamental piece of needlework

She sat by the window, her fancy-work forgotten as she heard at last the distant hoofbeats and rumbling of his approaching carriage.

 

8. aquamanile — medieval pitcher, often shaped like an animal

The baron washed his hands under the water poured from the brass aquamanile held over the basin by the new page, the youngest son of Sir Ewen.

 

9. curvet — leap of rearing horse in dressage in which the hind legs are kicked out as the front legs descend; to leap in this manner

The frisking horses were bounding and curvetting in the meadow at the foot of the sedge hills, gloriously happy in the sun and their exuberant youth.

 

10. melena — dark tarry stool

Not only is melena a symptom of serious internal hemorrhaging, it is also the focus of a question or two on the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory.

Friday Vocabulary

1. schism — (ecclesiastical) breach in Church unity, division of church into mutually hostile groups; division of previous unity into opposing parties

Excuse me, Miz’m, but isn’t it a mere solecism to view communism only through the prism of colonialism, ignoring, for example, the late 20th Century schism between Marxism and socialism?

 

2. leveret — young hare; pet, mistress

The puppy flushed a timorous leveret from the overgrowth by the neighbor’s back gate last month, and now insists on searching every square inch of the foliage whenever we walk past.

 

3. meretricious — of or pertaining to or characteristic of a harlot; tawdry, alluring by false or vulgar show; deceptive

Every metal surface was gilded, the floor covered in deep pile snow white carpet, the upholstery brocaded in white and gold, and it seemed like some meretricious antechamber to the boudoir of a tacky hooker servicing rich but classless dolts who imagined that this was ‘classy’ interior design.

 

4. objurgate — to chide or scold or rebuke

Prentiss was deep in his cups by the time we got to the bar, and refused to leave off venting his pique, instead objurgating “every damn critic” who had dared to criticize his show and consequently (in his telling) had gotten him fired.

 

5. exponible — requiring explanation or restatement (particularly of a proposition)

Jamie knew only obscure facts, making him a frustrating and exponible companion, as every remark he made had to be followed by a detailed elucidation of the obscure allusion that had seemed so obvious and pertinent to him.

 

6. epistaxis — nosebleed

He was prone to epistaxis, which he claimed was due to distant relation to European royalty, but which we all knew was caused by his serious drug habit.

 

7. dally — to loiter; to delay by trifling; to talk idly; to toy with, esp. in amorous pursuit

Do you dally here to keep from your appointed rendezvous with destiny, on the Senate floor, or are you just happy to see me?

 

8. peri — supernaturally beautiful fallen angels of Persian mythology; a lovely person

Cast out of her heavenly home this wandering peri found a welcome on my couch in Venice Beach, doomed for a while to remain in the sordid material world of the slacker class, to my great gratitude.

 

9. paling — picket fence

My discomfiture was complete when I looked up and saw Jocelyn’s face peering over the paling that surrounded the yard, her twinkling eyes telling me instantly that she had witnessed the whole embarrassing scene.

 

10. litotes — (rhetoric) figure in which positive is expressed by negating the contrary; understatement

Though he could speak platitudinal remarks if need be when in the company of strangers, amongst his friends and family my grandfather’s highest praise was expressed in the softest litotes, and Grandmama knew that when the food was “not inedible” that Grandpapa was sure to have seconds, or even thirds (if she let him).

FBI ID’s Conspiracy Theories As Dangerous Ideas, Nation Yawns

In fulfillment of a promise made to a friend to review a recent news link, I hereby present some remarks upon both the link and the underlying FBI document which engendered this news, “Anti-Government, Identity Based, and Fringe Political Conspiracy Theories Very Likely Motivate Some Domestic Extremists to Commit Criminal, Sometimes Violent Activity“.

  1. What the FBI Doc Says
  2. What the Yahoo! News Article Says
  3. What It Means
  4. The Message Is The Menace
  5. Why Conspiracy No Longer Matters

Summary of FBI Document

Though the FBI ‘Intelligence Bulletin’ which found its way to Scribd in a scrubbed, unclassified form has a lot of words, the document consists of five pages of (often repetitive) assertions, one (mostly blank) page of cryptic reference to ‘Intelligence Requirements’, five pages of appendices (of which three are hidden polemic definitions of conspiracy theory and two are boilerplate FBI verbiage about NPC Random Encounter tables—sorry, I meant confidence assessments), three pages of footnotes (which are fun and frustrating to read), and one page at the end which is a Customer Survey form. Sheesh.

Leaving aside the appendices, etc., as well as the examples given, the FBI doc presents the following argument:

  • Conspiracy Theory makes people do crimes
  • Conspiracy Theory gives people targets
  • CAVEAT: If crimes don’t happen, then never mind

  • Conspiracy Theories will keep coming
  • On the other hand: Maybe it’s just extremist ideology makin’ people do crimes.
    But … nah. Conspiracy Theories play a big part in, and amplify extremist ideology.

 

And … that’s it. That’s the entirety of the argument presented by this ‘Intelligence Bulletin’ which was apparently over four years in the making.

More below on the FBI document, but now let’s turn to the Yahoo! [ugh] News article….

Summary of News Article

Performing both exegesis and reportage, the Yahoo! News article by Jana Winter can be rendered thusly in Cliff Notes fashion:

  1. FBI says Conspiracy Theory is “domestic terrorist threat”
  2. FBI mentions QAnon, President Trump
  3. FBI says real conspiracies or cover-ups could increase threat
  4. (though the FBI doesn’t specify which cover-ups it refers to)
  5. FBI now splits Domestic Terrorism thusly:
    • Race Motivated Violent Extremism
    • Anti-Government/Anti-Authority Extremism
    • Animal Rights/Environmental Extremism
    • Abortion Extremism
  6. FBI sees Conspiracy Theory as part of Anti-Gov/Authority Extremism
  7. An Expert “raised doubts” about the memo, questioning FBI’s assumption that ideology rather than mental illness drives violence
  8. FBI identifying Conspiracy Theory as threat could be problematic, because Trump
  9. Another expert says no evidence Conspiracy Theories are more prevalent now
  10. Yet another expert classifies the FBI memo as continuing “radicalization analysis” it uses on ISIS, etc.
  11. And one more expert says the radicalization theory is “bogus”, just an excuse for mass surveillance, and that the FBI is paranoid
  12. Back to ‘yet another expert’ (from #10) who says none of this matters, since under the Trump administration the Department of Homeland Security got rid of all the analysts looking at domestic terrorism

So What Does All This Mean?

Not much.

This is just a tempest in a teapot. Or—since we no longer use teapots—a cyclone in a Keurig® K-Cup®. The verbiage of the FBI document is so deadening and repetitive as to be almost devoid of meaning, and it is very difficult to see how any of the information in the memo could be used to detect or foil any actual domestic terrorist threat. For this reason, the biggest news here was the list of examples the unknown FBI agent used to support his labored and meaningless contentions. So it is apparently news now that some nutjob was planning to drive to Illinois last December to blow up a satanic temple monument at that state’s capitol building in order to raise awareness of Pizzagate.

The reality is that the FBI has a difficult time defining domestic terrorism (there is no official law or definition), let alone swimming in the murky waters of conspiracy theory. And the author of the Intelligence Bulletin is no Fox Mulder. He (c’mon—you know this was written by a “he”) learned about conspiracy theories the way most people do, through Wikipedia, Snopes, and those books and white papers some professor gave us as assigned reading. Like most assigned reading, the agent skimmed lightly and grabbed the topic sentences from the introductions. The unfortunate fact is that domestic terrorism is defined after it happens, and this FBI memorandum is ‘leading from behind’, identifying this potential threat based on statements from people who committed or attempted to commit violent crimes, either in jailhouse interviews or in their manifestos or social media leading up to the event.

For this reason the FBI document presents its case that Conspiracy Theories “very likely motivate some domestic extremists … to commit criminal and sometimes violent activity” with the following huge caveat:

One key assumption driving these assessments is that certain conspiracy theory narratives tacitly support or legitimize violent action. The FBI also assumes some, but not all individuals or domestic extremists who hold such beliefs will act on them. The FBI assesses these conspiracy theories very likely will emerge, spread, and evolve in the modern information marketplace, occasionally driving both groups and individual extremists to carry out criminal or violent acts. Indicators that may lead to revised judgements or cause a change in the confidence level associated with this assessment include a lack of conspiracy theory-driven criminal or violent activity in the near to long term or significant efforts by major social media companies and websites to remove, regulate, or counter potentially harmful conspiratorial content.

The caveats at the end of this quote read like the ‘cover-your-ass’ statements in SEC filings. “If what we say will happen doesn’t happen, this changes what we said would happen.” Also of note is the slightly ominous shifting of blame for domestic terror to the social media companies who apparently could stop the madness if they would just stop the flow of these dangerous ideas. Good luck with that.

As the Yahoo! News article points out, the FBI has been having a tough time trying to categorize the potential threats from homegrown violent extremists, and this memo is likely just another attempt to get a handle on an obvious problem of which ‘none dare speak its name’. But again, not much smoke here, and even less fire.

The Message Is The Menace

But there is a huge problem here, hidden in plain sight (just like most conspiracy theories, once you know how to look). The FBI document and the news article based upon that memo are just two sides of the same debased coin. This little kerfuffle in a K-Cup® is perhaps emblematic of the effects of a sort of Gresham’s Law working in the marketplace of ideas. A deadening of thought and insight is visible in the moribund bureaucracy of the FBI as well as in the formulaic news generated from the mediocre memo.

The Secrecy is a Symptom of the Same Disease

Each paragraph, heading, and footnote of the FBI ‘Intelligence Bulletin’ is labeled with a classification marker, meaning that each of those items starts off with either (U), (U//LES), or (U//FOUO). The designation ‘(U)’ simply means ‘Unclassified’. The first paragraph of the document (after the title, which is marked ‘(U//LES)’ is marked as Unclassified, and defines the ‘(U//LES)’ designation thusly:

(U) LAW ENFORCEMENT SENSITIVE: The information marked (U//LES) in this document is the property of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and may be distributed within the federal government (and its contractors), U.S. intelligence, law enforcement, public safety or protection officials, and individuals with a need to know. Distribution beyond these entities without FBI authorization is prohibited. Precautions should be taken to ensure this information is stored and/or destroyed in a manner that precludes unauthorized access. Information bearing the LES caveat may not be used in legal proceedings without first receiving authorization from the originating agency. Recipients are prohibited from subsequently posting the information marked LES on a website on an unclassified network without obtaining FBI approval.

Sigh. So we have an implicit Intellectual Property claim being staked out here, just like that email you got from your cable company who claims each communication is copyrighted and cannot be copied or shared. Where does the madness end? The designation ‘(U//FOUO)’ is not defined in the document itself, but means ‘Unclassified – For Official Use Only’. This originated with the Department of Defense, who sought to use this designation to prevent such labeled material from being released under the Freedom of Information Act. Double sigh.

So, having established that I am prohibited from looking at most of the meat of the memorandum (since only a few items besides footnotes are marked with the simple ‘(U)’—a few headers and mention of Sandy Hook, Cosmic Pizza, and two other crimes), we find further secrecy-induced information necrosis when we peruse the footnotes. Almost all proper names are redacted from the information given therein, although in most cases anyone with halfway decent Web search skills can fill in most of the blanks. We’re not talking only ‘Names have been changed to protect the innocent’ here; a Tucson Police Department posting on Facebook is given as
https://www.[Name withheld].com/TucsonPoliceDepartment/posts/10155545208458531 where “[Name withheld]” is “Facebook”. Similarly, a Twitter tweet is referenced in the FBI footnotes as https://www.[Names withheld] status/1086090064323440640 where “[Names withheld]” elides “twitter.com/VopReal/” (also note there’s a bogus space between the redaction and the next word of the URL, ‘status’).*

The obvious question is who this information is being protected from, and the answer seems to be the people, the citizens of the United States. Contractors have access, and other police agencies. Doubtless one of these or somesuch made this document available to the reporter who broke the story, as is revealed by the Survey Form at the end of the document. We’ve all seen this form in one guise or another: the recipient is asked to rate on the ‘Very Satisfied-Very Dissatisfied’ scale the ‘Product’s overall usefulness’, the ‘Products relevance to your mission’, the ‘Product’s timeliness’, and the ‘Product’s responsiveness to your intelligence needs’. Check boxes are provided to show ‘How do you plan to use this product in support of your mission?’ and a couple of text boxes allow the recipient to describe how ‘the product’ adds ‘value to your mission’ and how the product could be improved. Naturally, each question is designated ‘(U//FOUO)’.

Thus any actual information in this or any similar report is hedged in with so many codicils, parenthetical statements, caveats, and mind-numbing feats of bureaucratic legerdemain as to be useless once it is promulgated, except to ‘add value to your mission’—whatever that crap may mean.

Then again, all the secrecy and attempts to hide what little information may exist here simply feeds the very desire to be among the cognoscenti that drives much of conspiracy narratives. Thus the opening pages of The Andromeda Strain are gripping not due to their deathless prose, but because they are portrayed as part of a Top Secret document in which ‘Courier should be notified immediately of any missing pages’, grabbing the reader by promising to show the hidden truth behind events. Similarly, the opening chapter from one of the old conspiracy theory canonical texts, Milton Willam Cooper’s Behold A Pale Horse, purports to be taken directly from a Top Secret document smuggled out to true patriots, detailing how Operations Research methods were being used to manipulate the populace into doing just what the power elites desired. (It’s B.S., by the way. But you already knew that.) Labeling a menu as “For Official Use Only” just feeds a mindset in which all knowledge is the secret property of a select few, the Geheimnisträger who carry the woeful burden of the truth in all its secrecy.

The Medium is The Mediocrity

The Yahoo! News article is mired in its own habitual performative tropes, from choosing a few choice nuggets of meat-like product from a document that is mostly gristle, to throwing experts at the problem. Along the way the particles of news atoms are stirred to high heat, hoping the the resultant Brownian motion will suffice to trigger trending in social media (which it did, and here we are).

To make the already-too-long a little shorter, I’ll note that the first expert consulted, David Garrow, is said to have “raised doubts” about the FBI document. The reporter goes on to say that Mr. Garrow was questioning the FBI’s assumption that ideology drives violence rather than mental illness, but the term “raised doubts” connotes something quite different when discussing conspiracy theories. To raise doubts “about the memo” implies that the memo is somehow counterfeit, suspicious, or a hoax. Why did not Jana Winter simply say that the expert ‘questioned the assessment’ of the document?

Indeed, the dichotomy between ideology and insanity exposes that all our base are belong to someone else. Certainly this past weekend makes many suspicious of one half of that contrast pair (take your pick). And the FBI’s insistence that something other than madness makes Americans commit seemingly mad acts points out both the difficult place that Bureau finds itself in as well as the bizarre word-salad we must consume every day now. For the reality is that concepts such as ‘mental illness’ or ‘extremism’ are simply placeholders for a society to label anything that doesn’t accord to societal norms; but nowadays norms have been thrown out with the baby, along with the idea that facts exist, that words have meaning, and that value is something beyond what a product adds to a corporate entity’s ‘mission’. In the midst of the apocalyptic devastation of truth, justice, and the American Way—along with any other ‘meaning’ or ‘purpose’—the once respectable though minor place of Conspiracy Theories among the shrines of Wacko has been made null and void, and Conspiracy, like every-damn-thing else, no longer means anything anymore.

Why Conspiracy No Longer Matters

Though it is difficult to precisely define Conspiracy Theory (and it is really a fool’s game, as today’s sneered-at ‘Theory’ becomes tomorrow’s history when the CIA finally confirms that, yes, they did dose one of their scientists with LSD, just that one time), it is obvious from historical examples that yes, conspiracy ideas can drive some people to violent acts. Besides the obvious Cosmic Pizza instance referenced by the FBI memo, the couple responsible for the 2014 Las Vegas shootings that ended in Wal-Mart followed the Jade Helm 15 conspiracy theory, along with the Bundys. (It’s sad we now have to specify which Las Vegas shooting we mean.) Both the Unabomber and the Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik espoused conspiracy ideas in their respective manifestos (though parts of Breivik’s are plagiarized from Kaczynski). Do we include Blood Libel tales as a conspiracy theory? If so, there are numerous instances—as recently as the notorious Damascus case in 1840—of Jews being murdered for this idea. Certainly the Protocols of the Elders of Zion is a Conspiracy Theory—perhaps even The Conspiracy Theory of the Modern Age—and though it is difficult to exactly ascribe this pogrom or that massacre specifically to the Protocols, that vicious forgery certainly played a large part.

Often, however, it is authority itself which has used Conspiracy Theory of one stripe or another to justify its own violence and murder. For every actual Gunpowder Plot (though even there you get into weeds of doubt) you will find a Titus Oates and the Popish Plot, which imaginary conspiracy against the king led to the executions of over a dozen innocents. Darius the Great posited a pretender on the Persian throne to justify his own rebellion against the rightful king he denigrated as the ‘false Smerdis’. During the French Revolution the changing parties in power used Conspiracy Theory ideas over and over again to justify eliminating each successive wave of rivals until, on a fateful day in Thermidor, the rivals were all used up and the Jacobins—Conspiracy Theorists par excellence—were themselves accused of being malicious plotters and were eliminated in their turn. And how many Romans were executed because the emperor feared falsely that they were plotting to kill him?

Belief in Conspiracy Theory does not inevitably lead to violent acts, of course. Its effects can range from mild dislocation from factual bases of understanding to the creation of political movements, such as Boss Weed’s Anti-Masonic party inspired by the supposed murder of Captain Morgan by Freemasons, or the Know Nothing movement founded on a belief in a Romanist conspiracy to undercut traditional American values. Many people believe some sort of conspiracy hides behind the murder of John F. Kennedy, yet few if any of these people commit any untoward acts.

How far such beliefs may move a person towards madness is itself a fraught question. Delia Bacon’s belief that Shakespeare wasn’t Shakespeare turned into a monomania that led her to England where she eventually haunted the tomb of The Bard, seeking to dig up his grave for evidence she was convinced lay interred there. Philip K. Dick’s delightful Confessions Of A Crap Artist portrays the gentle insanity of a group of UFO True Believers in the 1950s. And can anything but some mental disarrangement explain why so many teenagers spent hours searching The Beatles’ pictures, albums, songs, and lyric sheets to uncover evidence of the ‘Paul Is Dead’ theory?

On the other hand, Conspiracy Theory beliefs have been manipulated from time immemorial by those with their own, sometimes hidden, agendas. Besides the use Darius made of a ludicrous replacement of King Cambyses by Smerdis, recent history shows so very many cases where the Plot is a tool to be used by another’s hands. We have learned that the Seth Rich murder plot alleged against Hillary Clinton has its own Russian origins, for example. The Russians themselves have been played, however, as when Reinhard Heydrich used one Soviet general’s query about becoming a spy for the Nazis to cast suspicion in Stalin’s mind against his entire general staff, leading to the Generals’ Purge and the destruction of Russia’s top military ranks in the years heading towards the Great Patriotic War. Though the origins of ‘Red Mercury’ are still in some doubt, the bogus material has been sold by conmen in the Middle East for fantastic sums, and there are surely more buyers for this fictional fissile shortcut. On a more prosaic note, how much money has been raised by declaiming fears that “They’re coming for your guns”—either in direct donations to the NRA and its ilk or in purchases of a few more dozen for your stockpile?

One should not believe that Conspiracy Theory is solely a madness of the Right; there is no evidence for that idea, as the case of the French Revolution clearly proves. Persons purporting to be most liberal are among the strongest supporters of Anti-Vaxxer ideas which clearly shade into Conspiracy Theory, especially when the idea of a cover-up is broached. Similarly, believers in the MJ-12 documents or the Thane Cesar theory tend to be anti-authoritarians of a leftist bent, when they espouse any aspect of that political dichotomy. And I daren’t look even glancingly at some of the conspiracy ideas surrounding the downfall of Bill Cosby or O.J. Simpson.

But, as I said, none of this matters. Because Conspiracy Theory doesn’t matter anymore. Once this was a field for monomaniacs and researchers manqués, but no more. The heyday of Conspiracy Theory is over, its febrile sun sunk with the other stars in the disappearing heavens of the Enlightenment and the Modern Age. There were giants in this field: Augustin Barruel, Mae Brussel, Jim Keith, Mark Lane, Bob Lazar. A single sentence in Carroll Quigley’s Tragedy And Hope could spawn a hundred articles and books. The works ranged from Fletcher Prouty’s The Secret Team and Carl Oglesby’s The Yankee and Cowboy War to Nesta Webster’s The French Revolution and A. Ralph Epperson’s The Unseen Hand. Self-appointed ‘researchers’ gathered every scrap of evidence they could find, read every book pro and con, and cross-referenced each mention of each person, place, or thing in obscenely detailed files. (Mae Brussel started out by ordering the full version of the Warren Commission’s report, creating an index for the whole thing (which the Report didn’t have), and ended with labyrinthine shelves and shelves of files all cross-referenced, when she was given cancer (according to some).) Studying secret societies were brilliant academics like J.M. Roberts and René Le Forestier as well as hacks like Akron Daraul (pseudonym of Idries Shah) and Michael Baigent.

But none of that matters. Because nothing matters anymore.

To call QAnon a Conspiracy Theory is like calling Dutch Schultz’s last words a Bible concordance. You can call it anything you like, but unless you are a genius junkie wife killer, you probably make of it nothing more than what you start with, which is gibberish.

Go ahead. Go and watch the lady with her ‘What Is Q?’ video from her car. There is a tangled mess around conspiracy, religion, magic, the mind, etc. But “Q” ain’t it. The … what word to use? … noodlers in Q could no more do real Conspiracy Theory than the idiots who steal Amazon packages containing epsom salts could pull off an Ocean’s Eleven ‘caper’. Even criminals are debased in our current age.

And yet it just doesn’t matter. Not because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guys from Mohawk cause they’ve got all the money (though that’s still true), but because apparently people can now just say whatever they want and then say that those words mean the opposite, or mean something somehow orthogonal to that, or mean any ol’ damn thing they say they mean, and that’s where we’re at. Hell, at least the aptly named Holocaust denier Arthur Butz put in the effort to cherry-pick self-serving statements from a Nazi facing the noose to use as bullshit evidence in The Hoax of the Twentieth Century. Nowadays apparently “evidence” means “someone said so” or even “I say that someone said so” or “I saw it on TV, all those Muslims celebrating when the Twin Towers fell”. Ugh. And it does not matter. No matter how many times a young boy or whoever points out that the kings heinie is completely exposed along with everything else, nothing changes.

Thus the FBI memo (thought I’d forgotten, didn’t you?) can lay out a Wiki-garnered list of Conspiracy Theories, mixing such apples and oranges as New World Order and False Flags, while the news can focus on the fact that “President Trump is mentioned by name briefly” (and then quotes the memo which makes the mention only in the context of the QAnon crap cribbed from Snopes in the FBI document). And at no time do either the FBI or the news make the obvious correspondence between The Donald and what passes for Conspiracy Theory now: stupidity and fact-free thinking are all the rage. Truth, as MC 900 Ft. Jesus warned us, is out of style.

So sure, the FBI can alert LEOs and contractors about the possible potential sometimes maybe danger that Conspiracy Theory may pose, and the media can plague the DOJ about its language when it talks about the terrorism which “must not be named” (or at least defined). But none of this will make a bit of difference until something fundamental changes. In the marketplace of ideas, the currency of truth has been completely withdrawn from circulation, and the debased counterfeit that is left is being passed from hand to hand like junk bonds being traded by overly talkative coke-fueled wheelers and dealers before the crash.

So we’re likely to have more nonsense like Jade Helm 15, where the Texas Governor and a U.S. Senator (aka The Zodiac Killer) publicly expressed concern about the supposed attempt by the United States military to invade Texas, using Walmart stores to stockpile guns for use by Chinese soldiers with orders to disarm Americans. And crumbs from “Q”, who is likely a crumb himself, if not a крошка.

Footnote

* Pro Tip: You can find any Twitter status given just the ID value at the end; just replace the unknown twitter handle with a known twitter name and it will automatically resolve to the correct handle. Thus, if you know a status ID of “1149818855537070080”, you can just use https://twitter.com/twitter/status/1149818855537070080 and the tweet will come up (unless it’s been deleted since).

Monday Book Report: Agnes Grey

In partial fulfillment of the promise I made to read works by the sisters of Charlotte Brontë, and in partial penance for baiting remarks I made purporting to disdain “women writers”, I have just completed Agnes Grey by the lesser Baldwin—I mean Brontë, of course—Anne Brontë, the youngest sibling of the much ballyhooed literary sisterhood. Dragging myself to its pages after slogging through the wearying words written by her elder sister, Charlotte, I was pleased to find a novel which was better written than Jane Eyre, even though the latter was much more erudite and obviously the more thoughtful and painstaking work. In contrast to the most famous novel of the most diminutive Brontë, Agnes Grey has no references to deep cuts from Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress, though quite enough Bible quotes are to be found within its twenty-five fairly well-paced chapters. Where Miss Eyre broods, Miss Grey pines, and in a more seemly manner.

TRIGGER WARNING:
Agnes Grey depicts scenes of animal cruelty.

The plot, in brief, tells the story of young Agnes, frustrated because her family treat her like a child, boldly striking off to make her own living as a governess. The first family she works for harbors a child which we would now recognize as a serial killer in training. In spite of the unspeakable brutally of the family, Agnes is disappointed when the family dismisses her for having engendered little learning among her charges. (All the while every modern reader—one assumes—is silently shouting at the book, “Leave! Go! Get out!” and is relieved when our protagonist is not forced to endure more of the bestial cruelty she finds at this, her first assignment.) She then gets a position with a family having four children: two boys and two girls. The two boys are soon sent to school to get an actual education, and the majority of the novel details Miss Grey’s experiences as governess of the two ungovernable teenaged girls placed in her care. Along the way are several homilies in both internal and direct dialogue about the wonderful Christian virtues of hard work, good thoughts, humility, &c. At the end—ah, but that would be spoiling it, though if you do not see the ending coming from as far away as you might make out a distant figure on the horizon, you should enjoy most English literature for you will always be surprised.

No one triumphed over my failure, or said I had better have taken his or her advice, and quietly stayed at home. All were glad to have me back again, and lavished more kindness than ever upon me, to make up for the sufferings I had undergone; but not one would touch a shilling of what I had so cheerfully earned, and so carefully saved, in the hope of sharing it with them.

Like most kids who move back in with their parents, Agnes tries to pay something for her room and board.

At this point I would like to stake out a contrarian position visà-vis this novel. Though Miss Grey devotes much of her internal monologue or her narration (the two may not, in fact, be distinct) to bemoaning the lack of authority granted her by the parents, to decrying the unruly natures of her charges, and to shaking her (figurative) head at the complete disinterest in learning shown by the children in her care, there is another explanation for the fact that the youngsters in both families she serves do not make progress in their education and deportment: Agnes Grey is not good at her job.

I fear, by this time, the reader is well nigh disgusted with the folly and weakness I have so freely laid before him.

This is where the reader is supposed to say, “No, really. It’s fine. It’s not you; it’s me.”

This is hinted at quite strongly in several places and, indeed, Miss Grey obsesses over this very question, though she feels that the idea that she “had presumed to take in hand what she was wholly incompetent to perform” is just another of the baseless aspersions against her by those who have not provided her with more power (she desperately wishes to whip her students, just once) and better qualified pupils. (One is reminded of Lester Maddox, Governor of Georgia last century, who was confronted with the appalling condition in Georgia prisons, and who retorted that the problem was not with the prisons, but rather the need for a better class of prisoner.) There are many passages that illustrate just how incapable this young girl is to teach others, despite her high hopes and ambitions. For example, we are told that the eldest Murray girl learns music quite well when taught by the “best master the country afforded”, achieving “great proficiency” in the art. Agnes herself even ascribes the success of the small school she and her mother open in the closing chapters of the book to the efforts and abilities of her mother, not to herself.

Many will feel this who have felt that they could love, and whose hearts tell them that they are worthy to be loved again; while yet they are debarred by the lack of this or some such seeming trifle, from giving and receiving that happiness they seem almost made to feel and to impart. As well might the humble glow-worm despise that power of giving light without which the roving fly might pass her and repass her a thousand times, and never light beside her: she might hear her winged darling buzzing over and around her; he vainly seeking her, she longing to be found, but with no power to make her presence known, no voice to call him, no wings to follow his flight; the fly must seek another mate, the worm must live and die alone.

Um … yeah, right … okay?

But this is a quibble. The book is solid enough, with a few characters who are not mere caricature, and a religious sensibility of that type William James labelled ‘healthy-mindedness’. Nothing wrong with that as long as the proponent stays mindful of Jesus’ warning given in Matthew 23:3 to do as you say. And Agnes Grey does that, at least, in her thoughtful way. If the trigger warning given above doesn’t apply to you, you could do worse than to read the novel. It doesn’t scintillate on every page like the prose of Jane Austen, but … what does?

But our wishes are like tinder: the flint and steel of circumstances are continually striking out sparks, which vanish immediately, unless they chance to fall upon the tinder of our wishes; then, they instantly ignite, and the flame of hope is kindled in a moment.

Anne Brontë can write pellucid prose.

Friday Vocabulary

1. pantile — roofing tile, often clay, curved to an ogee shape — that is, having a cross-section shaped like an ‘S’ — which interlocks with similar tiles to create a distinctive wavy roof line

In Kirkcaldy whilst visiting Fife you can visit Sailor’s Walk, which is actually two 17th-century houses, both with the distinctive pantile roof often seen in this part of Scotland.

  2. persiflage — light banter; frivolous way of treating any subject

Though he may appeal to the younger set with his knowing talk of the people’s will and equality for all, we can discern the knowing persiflage and even a hint of sarcasm beneath his supposedly earnest professions.

  3. lacustrine — of or relating to a lake or lakes

Buried beneath four centuries of lacustrine silt lay the remains of the sacrificed twins, their golden chains still bound round their necks.

  4. supercilium — colored stripe on bird’s head running from beak to just above the eye; (obsolete) eyebrow

His sole ability which defined him as an actor was his almost unique facility at raising one supercilium while at the same time depressing the other.

  5. turbid — opaque with suspended matter, muddy, cloudy

Beneath the turbid surface of the lake must be vicious gar and snapping turtles, I felt, ready to rend the flesh from my toes should I dip them even a few inches into the brown still water.

  6. whitlow — infection of the tip of the finger or toe, usually suppurating

Jackson doubted his fiancée’s diagnosis of a whitlow, recalling that he had removed a splinter from just that finger a few days ago.

  7. hoyden — tomboy, romp; boorish or ill-bred girl

Miss Alice was a terrible hoyden at ten years of age, always begging to go riding or playing in the fields, so it was quite a shock to see her at seventeen, demurely sitting at the pianoforte playing Hensel’s songs with virtuosity and near brilliance.

  8. roister — to act in a swaggering or blustering manner; to revel rudely or noisily

Oh, those were wonderful times for roistering from dusk until dawn, and often it was only the crow of the cock that ended our revels.

  9. accumber — (obsolete) to overwhelm, to crush, to burden

Oft he searched his worn Bible for some solace, but so accumbered was he by religious melancholy that the words of solace seemed proof of his unworthiness instead.

  10. beldame — old woman; hag, witch

“It’s listening to the superstitious nonsense of that crazy beldame by the sewer gate that’s got you worked up in such a state.”

Bonus Vocabulary

(fantasy gaming)

dweomer (also seen as dwimmer) — aura of magic (on an item, or from a spell), magic power or effect

Her golden lasso has a powerful dweomer which compels anyone constrained by it to speak only the truth.

Friday Vocabulary

1. repine — to show discontent, to complain

The whole weary day he repines and sighs at the utter unfairness of it all, making each day wearier and drearier still.

 

2. operculum — (zoology) gill cover of a fish

Besides the three bands of color (yellow head, black body, yellow tail) which give the rock beauty its Latin name, Holacanthus tricolor, small stripes of red are often seen alongside the opercula.

 

3. kirtle — long women’s garment worn from medieval times to the Baroque Era over smock or chemise

The barwoman’s scarlet kirtle matched her ruddy cheeks, and distracted from the dirty linen smock she wore beneath.

 

4. catamount — leopard, ocelot, lynx, or panther; (U.S.) puma or cougar

Having been abducted as a small boy, he is as wild as the bear, the wolf, and the catamount, and I doubt me that any amount of effort will bring him back whole to civilization.

 

5. hyperesthesia — excessive sensitivity of nerves, as to pain, etc.; algesia

Many felt that the Rhine experiments proved no such thing as extrasensory perception, but rather a seemingly benign hyperesthesia on the part of the subjects, produced by factors which could only be guessed at.

 

6. gink — (slang) fellow, person

Every time we trot out the pinhead some gink has to claim that it’s a fake chicken, or something stupid like that.

 

7. blirt — to burst into tears

It made my heart near to burst, to see her blirt so upon the woeful, awful news.

 

8. ecdysiast — stripper, striptease performer

If she plays the ecdysiast solely in the privacy of her home and only for physical exercise, does she really need to call it a stripper pole?

 

9. chthonic — of creatures, deities, beings, or other things dwelling in the earth

He sought an ancient and matchless power, known only to the most primitive chthonic beings that resided deep within the bowels of rock and magma, the power to move through matter itself.

 

10. etiolate — to blanch (a plant) by keeping light from it; to induce a pale, sickly hue in (a person or a person’s skin)

Playing video games for twelve, sixteen hours a day had etiolated his face and hands, and his legs seemed almost leprous.

Friday Vocabulary

1. chancel — area around altar reserved for use of officiating clergy, usu. the eastern part of the church

The choir rose from their seats in the chancel and sang the introit, and we could not help but notice how the mysterious plague had depleted their pious voices.

 

2. Monothelite — believer in heretical doctrine that Christ has only a single divine will

Pope Honorius I was anathematized by the Third Council of Constantinople for promoting the Monothelites, or at least for having not condemned them out of hand.

 

3. tinkler (usu. tinker) — (Scot.) itinerant metal worker, usu. a gypsy

Naturally everyone suspected the tinkler who had been seen roaming the vicinage, but his biggest crime was repairing pewter with lead.

 

4. mischieve — to harm, to inflict loss; to ruin

The obvious conflict between their supposed high morals and their base actions will serve only to mischieve others who might have followed the true faith.

 

5. overthwart — crosswise, transversely

The grim wizard upon his haggard mount rode overthwart between the opposing armies, haranguing them endlessly with the most vile names and imprecations.

 

6. bombazeen (var. of bombasine) — twill fabric of worsted and (often) silk or cotton, used as mourning garb when dyed black

She stood in mournful silence, her bombazeen dress trimmed in crape, her hair and face covered by a black veil.

 

7. morgengab — portion of deceased man’s estate allotted to widow for her use as a direct bequest

Some Bible commentators believe that the gifts described in Genesis 25:6 that Abraham gave to his concubines’ children functioned as a sort of morgengab, a stated gift that foreclosed all interest those men would have to the bulk of the patriarch’s estate, which descended upon Isaac.

 

8. cleek — to seize with the hand, to clutch strongly or suddenly; to snatch

He acts as if he claught his spouse’s very soul when he took her to wife.

 

9. shenship — disgrace, ruin

Through the wiles of the evil one he fell into such shame and shenship that no more in this place may his name be spoken.

 

10. superpurgation — excessive purgation, vomiting, or evacuation of the bowels

The quack prescribed a medicament compounded from that very fruit as physic for my dear cousin, and her resulting superpurgation left her so weak as to approach nigh unto the very gates of death.

Monday Book Report: Jane Eyre

Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre is a 170 year-old romance novel in which the protagonists are beautiful only on the inside, their outward unattractiveness being dunned into the reader’s poor brain at every opportunity. I have read only one other author’s romance novels heretofore — by accident (thinking they were mysteries) — and though I should like to not read another, I suppose I will have to read at least one more, let’s call it two more, in order to be fair to Charlotte’s sisters. (I do not include Jane Austen, who is sui generis, a polestar around whom lesser authors revolve.) After finishing my slog through the moors and woods in which Jane Eyre traipses, strolls, and reclines, I find that Miss Eyre is the strongest, most intelligent dunderhead I have ever read of.

I was a human being, and had a human being’s wants: I must not linger where there was nothing to supply them. I rose; I looked back at the bed I had left. Hopeless of the future, I wished but this–that my Maker had that night thought good to require my soul of me while I slept; and that this weary frame, absolved by death from further conflict with fate, had now but to decay quietly, and mingle in peace with the soil of this wilderness. Life, however, was yet in my possession: with all its requirements, and pains, and responsibilities. The burden must be carried; the want provided for; the suffering endured; the responsibility fulfilled. I set out.

Life … finds a way

The plot is easily told — the movies are probably better than the novel. The first five chapters exactly replicate (or is it the other way round?) the opening episodes of the initial Harry Potter book. Orphan lives with aunt’s family, which family is abusive and hateful towards our eponymous protagonist, who eventually escapes to a magical school and realizes an inner power beyond all expectations. Oh, wait. That’s the other book. This is the one with a crazy wife, in case you can’t remember which is which. [Spoiler Alert: … oops.]

Those of my (two) readers unable to get past Nathaniel Hawthorne’s opening frame story to get to the meat of The Scarlet Letter will likely not make it past Jane’s stay at the school of magic. I recommend the former. In Miss Eyre’s case, she stays at school becoming a teacher, leaves to become a governess at Thornfield Hall, suddenly must leave that place due to the crisis of the novel, is homeless for three days, then she isn’t, becoming a teacher again, and rich, receives an overly decent marriage proposal, has a vision — or whatever the word for an auditory vision might be — and then she goes off and, just like Odysseus, meets a dog that recognizes her (though, unlike the dog in The Odyssey, that in Jane Eyre doesn’t die [Spoiler Alert: … oops.]).

I fall into a sort of dream. Sometimes I think I am in Northumberland, and that the noises I hear round me are the bubbling of a little brook which runs through Deepden, near our house;–then, when it comes my turn to reply, I have to be awakened; and, having heard nothing of what was read for listening to the visionary brook, I have no answer ready.

Poor Helen Burns has auditory visions

Anyway….

Even the writer of the afterword in my edition admits the problematic aspects of Charlotte Brontë’s novel. I had no quibble with the improbable aspects of the plot (which my summary here elides), but the language …. Hmm.

Here is Helen Burns, a fellow inmate of the school of magic — sorry, the school for orphans — to which Jane has been sent at ten years of age, speaking of forbearance towards a harsh teacher (Helen is a ‘few years’ older than Jane).

What a singularly deep impression her injustice seems to have made on your heart! No ill-usage so brands its record on my feelings. Would you not be happier if you tried to forget her severity, together with the passionate emotions it excited? Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity, or registering wrongs. We are, and must be, one and all, burdened with faults in this world: but the time will soon come when, I trust, we shall put them off in putting off our corruptible bodies; when debasement and sin will fall from us with this cumbrous frame of flesh, and only the spark of the spirit will remain,–the impalpable principle of life and thought, pure as when it left the Creator to inspire the creature: whence it came it will return; perhaps again to be communicated to some being higher than man–perhaps to pass through gradations of glory, from the pale human soul to brighten to the seraph! Surely it will never, on the contrary, be suffered to degenerate from man to fiend? No; I cannot believe that: I hold another creed; which no one ever taught me, and which I seldom mention; but in which I delight, and to which I cling: for it extends hope to all: it makes Eternity a rest–a mighty home, not a terror and an abyss. Besides, with this creed, I can so clearly distinguish between the criminal and his crime; I can so sincerely forgive the first while I abhor the last: with this creed revenge never worries my heart, degradation never too deeply disgusts me, injustice never crushes me too low: I live in calm, looking to the end.

Helen Burns makes a singularly deep impression

I suppose I could or should give other examples, but instead I will tell you a secret. Everybody talks like this in the novel. And, since the book is a first-person narrative voiced by our Miss Eyre,* I must warn you that she, too, talks just like this. Sigh.

But … whatever. Some people (Philistines!) find the language of the incomparable Jane Austen off-putting. And a score of years has passed since the sesquicentennial of Jane Eyre’s first publication, and, one assumes, some changes to language are to be expected. So what other faults make the novel unattractive? Well, the obsession with unattractiveness, for one.

She had taken an amiable caprice to me. She said I was like Mr. Rivers (only, certainly, she allowed, “not one-tenth so handsome, though I was a nice neat little soul enough, but he was an angel”). I was, however, good, clever, composed, and firm, like him.

Rosamond Oliver finds not even a tithe of beauty in Jane Eyre

I once had a co-worker who had a fine, prominent, aquiline nose. It was a thing of beauty forever, an ice-breaking prow of distinction which gave him a distinguished profile and a confident mien. Yet, alas! One day at work I was staring blankly in no particular direction — truth be told, dear reader, I was likely under the enervating effects of the devil’s cabbage, stood torpid and stupid in consequence of consumption of marihuana, my dull visage a vapid reflection of the benighted and turbid thoughts within — in short, I was stoned. As it happened, I suppose, my gaze must have been turned in the direction of the aforementioned workaday compatriot, for suddenly he startled me out of my listless loser’s reverie with the sharp announcement that “He knew! He knew what I was staring at! I just couldn’t keep my eyes off of his nose!” and with this angry and hurt pronouncement he stormed away from the sales counter and took himself away to assuage his wounded pride and regain his equable state of mind.

That day I learned an important lesson, one which I have forgotten many times since, but which occurs to me today — when it can do me no real good, as all such teaching seems to return — a lesson best noted by the immortal Robbie Burns, but which I might state thusly: people are really torqued by their own hyenas. For I had not been staring at my friend’s nose, had not even been looking at my friend, though I do not doubt my eyes were turned in that direction. I was probably thinking only of corn chips, cupcakes, and other such delights as occur to the habitué of the hookah, yet my friend of the fine figure was convinced I thought only of his nose, because he thought only of his nose. Thus a teener with a small dehiscing spot of acne believes that the entire world’s focus is upon his popped zit. Thus does a woman who hates her hair — curly or straight — believe that tout le monde sees the lustrous integuments of her head as a blot upon good taste, a foul stain against nature, and believes that all who see her are displeased and wish (as she does) that her hair were straight or curly, as the case may be.

This sort of nonsense (to which we are all susceptible, if I be honest, to greater or lesser degree) is baked into Charlotte Brontë’s novel just as an estivating insipidity was (ahem) baked into me on that long ago day manning the cash register with my friend of the Roman nose. For Ms. Brontë, or Miss Eyre at the least, cannot pass over any notice of the novel’s heroine without remarking that Jane Eyre is plain, unhandsome, unendowed with any features of beauty whatsoever. Without getting into the question of whether the eponymous protagonist engendered the term ‘plain Jane’,† we note that at every turn where her features are noticed, remarked upon, or even present in the stream-of-oh-so-consciousness narrative she spills out, Jane’s plainness is the prime axis around which the narration revolves. In this she (author or narrator, take your pick) shows the apophenia of one who has convinced herself that she is not and cannot ever be beautiful — not to say ugly — and now can think of nothing else. This rather sad idée fixe pervades the novel like fat through steak, though the reader must chew through this and much other gristle before reaching the end of Miss Eyre’s tale.

“Unjust!–unjust!” said my reason, forced by the agonizing stimulus into precocious though transitory power; and Resolve, equally wrought up, instigated some strange expedient to achieve escape from insupportable oppression–as running away, or, if that could not be effected, never eating or drinking more, and letting myself die.

Jane Eyre resolves to bravely run away

Thus after she first meets St. John Rivers and his sisters, and lies abed after the horrific episode which brings her hungry and faint to their house, she hears the young parson’s judgment that, though her physiognomy is not indicative of a lower nature, she is “not at all handsome”, that “Ill or well, she would always be plain. The grace and harmony of beauty are quite wanting in those features.” Without endlessly multiplying examples, I can aver that this opinion is held by every character in the novel who deigns to note Miss Eyre’s lineaments. Further, though we will eventually be dragged to the noble if insipid conclusion that ‘true beauty lies within’ over the course of this novel’s thirty-eight chapters and (in my edition) 448 pages, it is the outward signs to which Jane Eyre’s eyes always turn, as in the opening pages where she limns her cousin as “large and stout for his age, with a dingy and unwholesome skin; thick lineaments in a spacious visage, heavy limbs and large extremities.” Indeed, the climax of the novel compares a weak vision with “tempered judgment with mercy.” Mercy indeed.

But of course one can forgive this superficial view of the world. Especially when it is flooded by the never-ending turbid stream of thought, counterthought, and repetition of the original thought that threaten to drown this book in a sort of Bizarro-world dialectic. Outward appearances matter, despite all the lip service that Jane Eyre can muster for the opposing view. Class distinctions matter, as well. Jane is threatened with poverty, and dreams up a bizarre vision of ‘honest poverty’ which almost mirrors La Rochefoucauld’s own impoverished idea of the happiness of the poor.‡ Mr. St. John Rivers will take the noble word of the Christian God to the Hindustanee, and remain uncorrupted by the untouchables he will find there. 

I reflected. Poverty looks grim to grown people; still more so to children: they have not much idea of industrious, working, respectable poverty; they think of the word only as connected with ragged clothes, scanty food, fireless grates, rude manners, and debasing vices: poverty for me was synonymous with the degradation.
“No; I should not like to belong to poor people,” was my reply.
“Not even if they were kind to you?”
I shook my head: I could not see how poor people had the means of being kind; and then to learn to speak like them, to adopt their manners, to be uneducated, to grow up like one of the poor women I saw sometimes nursing their children or washing their clothes at the cottage doors of the village of Gateshead: no, I was not heroic enough to purchase liberty at the price of caste.

Young Jane Eyre determines never to be poor, to always be rich in semi-colons at least

Jane, for her own part, after throwing herself upon the mercy of complete strangers when driven almost mad with hunger (she had had only a bit of bread — oh, and some pig’s porridge — for the three or five days previous, see below), who give her a bed and bring her back to health over the course of several days, uses her first moments of restored well-being to upbraid the servant of the loving family who fed her, sheltered her, and even had her filthy clothes and shoes cleaned (by the same servant, natch). Rather than expressing thanks to the servant Hannah, Jane lays into her for her uncharitable, un-Christian attitude — for Hannah had advised the Rivers siblings to turn away the ragamuffin that came dying to their door. Hannah, is, of course, suitably chastened, recognizing her better in the proud denial of Miss Eyre to be a beggar, though that is exactly what Jane is and was. After berating the woman who cleaned her clothes, Jane announces, “That will do — I forgive you now. Shake hands.” And they do, “and from that moment we were friends.” And so ends the fateful flight of Miss Eyre from the insupportable situation she left behind.

This episode — the rash departure of Jane Eyre from Thornfield to end up practically dying on the doorstep of Moor House — this crucial episode also forms the crux of my problem with this ponderous and learned novel. I can forgive the high-falutin’ language as a voice from the past — a voice, I must confess, much more intelligent and erudite than my own. And I can forgive the mania over our heroine’s unhandsome looks. I can even forgive the snide way the poor and classless are looked down upon, which snideness is appalling to our protagonist when she receives the same from Hannah or Lady Ingram, but which Jane and her entire milieu demonstrate is entirely appropriate by every action, thought, and word. (Tsk, tsk, Jane.) All these things and more can be forgiven; the novel is beautifully written, the thoughts of the heroine are often noble aspirations to those higher things which, one hopes, eventually may raise us somewhat above the level of the apes (though one has one’s doubts). But —

It was a groveling fashion of existence: I should never like to return to it. Hiring a mistress is the next worse thing to buying a slave: both are often by nature, and always by position, inferior: and to live familiarly with inferiors is degrading.

Edward Rochester identifies the worst thing about slavery

You see, my problem is this. Jane Eyre leaves Thornfield Hall with twenty shillings and a penny, plus “some linen, a locket, and a ring” which she manages to forget in the coach that takes her away, and which loss leaves her “destitute”. Here’s the thing: Jane Eyre hails this coach and asks its destination, then asks to be taken there; upon being told that the cost would be thirty shillings, she then offers her entire fortune for the ride. I mean, … sure, she has no practice at being poor, but she has proven herself, and will prove again to be, quite a capable woman. Why does she not ask how far she can go for ten shillings? Or even for nineteen, which would have left her with twelve pennies (or thirteen, if we include the one penny she will mysteriously discover later). She will try to barter a handkerchief for food — not having the locket and ring which, I suppose, she had planned on using to start her new domicile in the distant town of —————. Jane then spends a wonderful night sleeping outside. The next day the pangs of hunger begin to derange her, and the third day leaves her prostrate and near death at the home of the Rivers kin. Sooooo…. Jane Eyre goes for perhaps five days (the coach ride takes two) with no food save for a roll and some bilberries, a begged piece of bread, and a portion of porridge destined for swine. And if she had not received succor at Moor House she would have died. Indeed, it takes several days for her to recover her wits and well-being. She sleeps outside for two nights — the first a delightful romp in her telling — and … she is so near to that bourne from which no traveller returns that it is only the godlike intercession of the Rivers that keeps her on this side of the worldly veil of tears. (Later her encounter chez Rivers will turn out to have been a bit of a deus ex machina, but let that pass.)

I touched the heath: it was dry, and yet warm with the heat of the summer-day. I looked at the sky; it was pure: a kindly star twinkled just above the chasm ridge. The dew fell, but to me benign and good; I thought she loved me, outcast as I was; and I, who from man could anticipate only mistrust, rejection, insult, clung to her with filial fondness. To-night, at least, I would be her guest–as I was her child: my mother would lodge me without money and without price. I had one morsel of bread yet: the remnant of a roll I had bought in a town we passed through at noon with a stray penny–my last coin. I saw ripe bilberries gleaming here and there, like jet beads in the heath: I gathered a handful and ate them with the bread. My hunger, sharp before, was, if not satisfied, appeased by this hermit’s meal. I said my evening prayers at its conclusion and then chose my couch.
Beside the crag, the heath was very deep: when I lay down my feet were buried in it; rising high on each side, it left only a narrow space for the night-air to invade. I folded my shawl double, and spread it over me for a coverlet; a low, mossy swell was my pillow.

Jane sleeps outdoors, as one does

Look, hunger sucks. Poverty sucks. Sleeping outside sucks when one does it from lack of choice. But … leaving to one side the complete lack of knowledge shown of actual poverty and hunger and living bereft of all comfort, I still have to ask: Why didn’t she save a single damn shilling? If she can negotiate a price of two-thirds the going rate, why not try for 60%? Heck, try for 50%. Was she so hopeful that her lost locket and ring would fetch her enough to keep her in bed and board for weeks to come that she felt she could afford to rid herself of her entire supply of actual cash? Sigh.

Anyway….

And yet….

Who am I to gainsay the ‘plain Jane’ readers of romance their delight? Their fantasy? If lying sailors can have their wish fulfillment of a faithful wife back home while they are out catting around, as Kenneth Rexroth reimagined Homer’s tale of Odysseus, why then should not ‘unhandsome’ women with no prospects be given what they want in fictional form? Of course, since Charlotte Brontë is writing in the mid-19th Century, and since this is the naissance of romance, the climax of the genre is marriage and a kid, as opposed to modern romance, where the climax is (one presumes) an actual climax.

Not that sex is ignored in Jane Eyre; it just occurs offstage. Rochester (did you think I would forget him entirely?) has a dalliance with a French opera dancer who gifts him with another man’s child. Children are born through apparent acts of God (though I am assured that this happened only that one time), and both women and men feel themselves subject to urges that are never plainly spoken of.

Speaking of unspoken urges, for some time I suspected that St. John Rivers was gay. I can still entertain that suspicion if I read passages like the following:

It is hard work to control the workings of inclination, and turn the bent of nature: but that it may be done, I know from experience. God has given us, in a measure, the power to make our own fate; and when our energies seem to demand a sustenance they cannot get–when our will strains after a path we may not follow–we need neither starve from inanition, nor stand still in despair: we have but to seek another nourishment for the mind, as strong as the forbidden food it longed to taste–and perhaps surer; and to hew out for the adventurous foot a road as direct and broad as the one Fortune has blocked up against us, if rougher than it.

St. John Rivers turns bent, and likes it rough

Setting aside this factitious musing to take up another, the relation between Jane and St. John seems quite sadomasochistic to my postmodern eyes. She sees in him “the pure Christian” whose actions towards her are “torture”.

All this was torture to me–refined, lingering torture. It kept up a slow fire of indignation, and a trembling trouble of grief, which harassed and crushed me altogether. I felt how–if I were his wife, this good man, pure as the deep sunless source, could soon kill me: without drawing from my veins a single drop of blood, or receiving on his own crystal conscience the faintest stain of crime. Especially I felt this, when I made any attempt to propitiate him. No ruth met my ruth. He experienced no suffering from estrangement–no yearning after reconciliation; and though, more than once, my fast falling tears blistered the page over which we both bent, they produced no more effect on him than if his heart had been really a matter of stone or metal.

Now Jane and St. John both get bent. Really, Jane, wouldn’t it be easier to be respectably poor?

Thus we can trace a direct line between Jane Eyre’s “pure Christian” and Mr. Christian Grey, and the bright description of the heath, moor, and woods from Charlotte Brontë’s pen wanes into a mere 50 shades of grey.

Nothing speaks or stirs in me while you talk. I am sensible of no light kindling–no life quickening–no voice counseling or cheering. Oh, I wish I could make you see how much my mind is at this moment like a rayless dungeon, with one shrinking fear fettered in its depths–the fear of being persuaded by you to attempt what I cannot accomplish.

Jane is confined within the dungeon

But again, how can I challenge an entire genre which has brought its fictive happiness to so many? How can I cast Miss Eyre and her seminal — oops — her fructuous narrative into the Valley of the Shadow of literary Death? Though I found Jane Eyre annoying and cloying, it is an annoying and cloying work of genius.

* Spoiler Alert: Not her actual name at time of narration.

† She did not.

‡ “Le travail du corps délivre des peines de l’esprit et c’est ce qui rend les pauvres heureux.”

Friday Vocabulary

1. Deo volente — god willing (abbr. D.V.)

We shall be married this very day, and shall assume my curacy, Deo volente, next week.

 

2. sally port — opening in fortification for passage of troops making a sally

Unbeknownst to Lord Dairnlee, however, the location of the sally port had been betrayed, and the whole ground just before that gate had been thoroughly mined.

 

3. dish — (obs. slang) to ‘do for’; to cheat

Disraeli believed that the House of Commons was “used up”, saying further, “Reform has dished it.”

 

4. estivate — to spend the summer; (of animals) to be dormant or in a state of torpor through the summer

We had the happy misfortune both to have several guest rooms and to enjoy a beautiful climate year-round at our beachfront property, with the result that our Arizona relatives seemed always to estivate with us the moment their children finished the school year.

 

5. samite — heavy silk, often interwoven with gold

“That’s no Lady of the Lake,” he said of the white-sleeved arm protruding from the water’s surface, “but rather Ophelia going down for the third time, dragged to the bottom by her sodden samite gown.”

 

6. prebendary — holder of a prebend, stipend for cathedral and church college canons

In spite of the fact that the Reformation eliminated most prebends along with the collegiate churches they served, some elders still hold the title of prebendary, though the reward is usually only a stall reserved to them and unpaid work for the church.

 

7. girandole — ornamented branched candelabra

The light from the beautiful silver girandole on the dining table scintillated through Lady Sylvia’s large emerald brooch.

 

8. alula — small bunch of feathers on the forward wing of a bird, controlled similarly to a ‘thumb’, used at slow flight speeds or when landing

The alulae of falcons is particularly prominent, and is used by those birds of prey to better control their fierce dives when their wings are tucked.

 

9. colloquize — to engage in conversation or dialogue

Though it is truly pleasant to colloquize here beneath the susurrant elms, the hour grows late and I must away.

 

10. swad — thick bunch or mass

We found him in the midst of a veritable swad of soldiers, fighting them all at once, for reasons which remain unclear to this day.

Friday Vocabulary

1. truncheon — broken off piece; fragment of spear or lance

I must have the aid of a leech, for this truncheon causes me more pain that all the other blows I have suffered in this tourney.

 

2. sago — starch made from the pith of the trunks of several palms and cycads, used particularly in preparation of puddings

Your stout-hearted Scotsman prefers the homely pleasures of oatmeal to such modern innovations as sago or tapioca.

 

3. bunting — open worsted fabric used for making flags; thus, a flag or flags

The privateers never dared sail under their own bunting, preferring both the anonymity and potential surprise from their false flags.

 

4. tylectomy — removal of tumor or cyst by surgery, esp. from the breast; lumpectomy

Personally I had little hope that the tylectomy would completely solve the problem, though this may have been prejudice based upon my own painful experiences.

 

5. integument — covering; natural covering of a body, animal, plant; skin, husk, shell

Though once required, the artificial integument of stylish men’s headwear has fallen from favor, with only boring baseball caps seen on the pates of most men.

 

6. lappet — flap or loose fold of garment

The toga for daily use usually included a lappet which the wearer could use as a rude umbrella when it rained.

 

7. sward — surface of earth, usu. covered with herbage; grassy turf

Fans of the Teletubbies were disheartened to learn that the original hilly sward of the Warwickshire farm used as a set for the beloved children’s show was flooded and turned into a pond by the owner who was tired of trespassing fans.

 

8. rutilated — (of minerals) having tiny needle-shaped crystals of titanium dioxide (rutile) embedded within

Prominent upon his desk was a carved obelisk of rutilated quartz, which he had said held especial meaning that he had always promised to tell me one day, but would now never reveal, unless he were to speak to me from beyond the grave.

 

9. Uniate — member of one of the Christian churches in eastern Europe or the Middle East which acknowledges papal supremacy but retains its own liturgy

The Maronites dispute that they were ever monothelites, though obviously this important Uniate church, still one of the most important in Lebanon, firmly eschews that 7th-century heresy today.

 

10. volatile salts — smelling salts

A physician of the Victorian Age would be careful to have volatile salts always at hand, for ladies fainted then at the slightest provocation.